Whoever you are, wherever you are....tell someone that you love...that you love them.

I can't say this any more clear than I am typing it. Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you're sorry. Accept an apology. Mend the broken fence. Open the door. Drive to see them. Hug them. Look them in the eyes and say, you love them. If they're alive, tell them how much you care. It will do as much for you  as it will them. Get that coldness out of your heart. It will always be a waste of time. Go towards those you cherish. Hold their hand. Make them smile. Smile. Say I love you. Say I care about what you think and feel. Relive old memories. You will not feel better about holding that grudge, you will not feel better about standing your ground....believe me. In the end, you will see that you have wasted time being angry, upset and doing nothing. Don't. Let go. Let in. Let bygones be bygones. 

We only have this one life. One god damn life. When you're dead, you think you will give AF about how "strong" you were to stand your ground? No. We have this one life. We have this one life. We have this one life. Say it with me. 

I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry if I ever made you sad. I'm sorry if I was not the person you thought I was. I made mistakes. I wish I could've been better. I care about you. I hope you're good. I hope you're thriving. I hope people love you. I hope you love someone. 

Wherever you are. I love you.

Bob

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Untethered Soul - Chapter 17 Contemplating Death

It is not really that I ever would seek death out. I was scared of me personally dying when I was young, like in my teen years. I definitely wouldn't have chosen the path I walked on dealing with death at ages I don't really believe people should have to deal with it. Especially 16. You also shouldn't have to lose close friends as early as late 20's and 30's. Alas, tough times hit my family in a profound way the last 10 years. It's one thing to lose someone who wasn't a real integral part of your adult life. The last 10 years, my family, we've been through the ringer. People can say this or that about life. I have been through just about all of it. The parts I haven't been through, mostly cause I was dealing with helping someone survive through pain/abuse/situations or I was dealing with my own trauma from that stuff. In the last 10 years, we lost my grandfather, then his first born, my mom at 61, her sister around the same age, who was my backboard for all things back to my mom, my grandfather on my dad's side, a guy who always made me feel like I was telling him something new even though he had been around the world twice with the Navy in the Korean War and lived more than many men through so much and then my other aunt at 63, a person who loved and helped so many, and then my father. There is no escaping we will all die. And yes, some can say this or that about being fortunate that we had these people; I mean, for good people who loved us, of course we are fortunate. No one is thankful that they had an asshole in their life. ha. I just happened to have my podcasts lined up and the recent one was our relationship with death. This podcast just happened to coincide with my morning reading.....a new chapter....one that I wasnt expecting. I have been reading this book and like 9 others over the past 5 years and I sure didn't expect this chapter...This was the first page and it sure did draw me in. 

Bob

CHAPTER 17

Contemplating death

It is truly a great cosmic paradox that one of the best teachers in all of _ life turns out to be death. No person or situation could ever teach you as much as death has to teach you. While someone could tell you that you are not your body, death shows you. While someone could remind you of the insignificance of the things that you cling to, death takes them all away in a second. While people can teach you that men and women of all races are equal and that there is no difference between the rich and the poor, death instantly makes us all the same.

The question is, are you going to wait until that last moment to let death be your teacher? The mere possibility of death has the power to teach us at any moment. A wise person realizes that at any moment they may breathe out, and the breath may not come back in. It could happen any time, in any place, and your last breath is gone. You have to learn from this. A wise being completely and totally embraces the reality, the inevitability, and the unpredictability of death.

Any time you're having trouble with something, think of death.

Two of my favorites...in Mom Mom's kitchen in Darby...during Christmas. We had love, we had joy. That is for sure. I am so grateful these two women were part of my journey. In my heart I continuet to carry their memories....and their huge, loving personalities. 

Untethered soul - The Spiritual Path of Nonresistance pg 155

The key is to just relax and release, and deal only with what's left in front of you. You do not need to worry about the rest. If you relax and release, you will see that it puts you through tremendous spiritual growth.

You'll start to feel an enormous amount of energy awaken inside of you.

You will feel much more love than you've ever felt before. You will feel more peace and contentment, and eventually nothing will ever disturb you again.

You truly can reach a state in which you never have any more stress, tension, or problems for the rest of your life. You just have to realize that life is giving you a gift, and that gift is the flow of events that takes place between your birth and your death. These events are exciting, challenging, and create tremendous growth. To comfortably handle this flow of life, your heart and mind must be open and expansive enough to encompass reality. The only reason they're not is because you resist. Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like the stepping-stones of your spiritual journey.

Vivid White

Again, I have no control over what is coming when I fall asleep...

A memory locked so far down, the reboot could not be self inflicted. It was all of minutes that this happened in our lives, yet the memory stands alone in my mind. Two people standing still amongst strangers passing us by in life. Winter’s cold, yet our warmth and love is apparent. I saw you coming about 100 feet before we met there. Standing still, faces touching. Even in the dream your winter hat is visible, snow falling, a quick private kiss and I love you and eyes closing. There is no one else in the world right now. 

The vivid white of falling snow and winter’s warmth….there is no darkness even though the sun has not yet risen. 

I awoke, grateful and smiling. 

We were there....

Upland Street first house I would say we lived in around all our family in Southwest Philly. , Row home. 

Saybrook Ave..Huge row home with lots of space....to get lost. haha. Nanny and Pop's house. The central spot. Wiffle ball capital of the world. House of Cheese access. Avenue access. , All the great thanksgivings we had there. So many people together. Drinking, smoking, laughing, having such a blast. Such good food and prayers and just caring and loving about one another. Tons of hours on the porch playing Nintendo. Tons of wiffle ball games in the fire house alley facing the houses. Homers for days. hahahah

Edgehill Rd, Small row home. Mom and Pop Pop's house in Darby. It was such a cozy place. Mom Mom was such a great host and Pop Pop just chilled. So many xmas eve's, watching Santa drive down the street, fire truck blaring and all the kids so happy that Santa was there. Fireman throwing candies and lots of treats for kids. Blue collar. Americana. The creaky steps to the basement where he would whittle away on his tool bench and fix or create or just spend time.....When Mom Mom passed there was something definitely missing. I spent 4 years getting to know Pop Pop and boy did we have such a close bond. He was one of a kind. Sucha  great man who truly cared about people. It hurt me to leave that place, but life was changing.....

Grant Rd., The central station, the meeting point, where it kinda all grew from. I was 5 or so when we moved to Grant Rd. It was three of us. That house, man, it grew quick. That house, held so many snapshots of a life of a growing family....developing. Two parents......raising 5 kids. I wish I had the time and detail to write about all of it. The days when I was just one kid in that house were few....then little sister came...then another...another....another. Boundaries were drawn quickly. Routines figured out even quicker. I was 5 years older than my next sibling...I got the routine down before they were even here. One boy in one room. Four girls in one room. Parents.....parenting. Mom in the center of the upstairs walkway.....getting ready for work. Dad sleeping for night work. Two people breaking speed limits for living life. Both of my parents are gone now. Mom in 2019. Dad in 2025. My wish for them, as parents, would've been to stop and realize what was going on in that house.....we were always moving so fast. I wish both of them just stopped and we all just sat or stood in one room and talked. I would've loved to hear about their lives growing up more than I knew. I would've loved to hear about their dreams as they grew up in Philly and Darby. I would've loved to have heard their dreams for their children. I wish we all just got in the car together....drove to some park like Valley Forge, packed a lunch like Mom did so many times, grabbed some sodas and pizza or tacos like Dad did so many times....and spent quiet times.....as a family. We missed out on that. We were always a family....but we needed to stop. We need to hit the brakes and appreciate what was really happening......in our time.....1977-1987...1987-1997....1997-2007...2007-2017.....2019. We never stopped moving. And maybe that's how it is for most families. I digress. As we moved Dad out to Lisa's, started to pack stuff up, it hits you. It hits you that 42 years of growth as a family happened there. Yes we had fights, yes we screamed, yes I was threatened with a knife, yes she fought back. All that stuff happens in real life. I won't lie. Mom did such a great job being a Mom. She was Wonderwoman. Dad, he worked so much.....we never expected to see him much during the day. Me, I babysat a lot. hahaha. In between my practices for various sports, I babysat. My main wish today.....let's slow down. Let's really try and just slow down. Let's hug, let's talk, let's realize how special these moments are. Even the bad ones. We learn. I get sad today. I realize my childhood home is forever gone and no longer mine. 42 years is a long time. It went by so fast. Maybe I even sped it up....so many sports, working, studying, traveling. When I started traveling a lot for work, I would always get a magnet for my mom and dad's fridge from the city I was in. Newport, Chicago, San Diego, Cancun, Normal, San Fran, Dothan, Pensacola. They loved them all. I remember one time coming back from Detroit and I stopped by and it was just the 3 of us....like it was in 1984.....I gave my dad a Detroit Red Wings t-shirt and mom a magnet. For some reason that always sticks out for me. They were so thankful. Kids moved out, moved on, Dad kept working, mom left Super Fresh, picked up side jobs. I felt they were afraid of being alone and mostly I wish that I could've told them I would've spent time with them at the house any time and just talk, talk about all those years......we didn't have time to talk. It makes me sad. 

Miner St. A nice classic house we stayed in for 2 years. My first adult relationship. My first apt with someone else. Boy, I def got wild in that place. We played music, learned about life, cried, learned about death. A special place....I have since revisited. 

Umbria. I spent 15 years on Umbria. I had a small studio in a historical place where tons of people came by. My sisters, my grandfather, my mom, girlfriends. Man, so many memories from that tiny spot. Such a small place. 500/month. Brick walls. Old kitchen. In an old box house. I still remember so many fond memories from that place. It has since been knocked down and with it, maybe my memories as well. It was the last place I think my mom and pop pop hung out together. I will never forget that picture. I cant really go into all the details....but a few special people came into my apts in Umbria. I also really just was the guy in the city. I always got home safe. Mom loved my apt, but hated it at the same time. She was like "you can do so much better" That made me sad....cause I kinda knew for a while I should't have been there. It got dirty and both landlords just treated me like shit. I never understood that. I lived in that studio for 10 years and the other place for 5. Thanfully it was so cheap, I will retire some day. I remember Mom would park on the side street. Marchianos loved me and my family. They came to my mom and dad's funerals. I am always thankful for that....and their super bowl parties and them inviting me to everything. I still go to Hilltown Tavern and I am thankful for my friends Sean and Timmy. I dont know what I would do without them. 

Dixon St. My first experience with a New England home. I mean. It screamed New England. Those streets. They could be so cold. They would howl. The wind would push you when you'd walk. It was my first dip into New England with a special girl. I really didn't know what I was in for when I came up to Newport, but it opened my eyes so much. It opened my eyes up to a chance. It was the perfect fit for me. I was away from everything that could pull me towards darkness and gave someone a chance. I gave something a chance to change me and boy did it ever. The mansions, Bowen's wharf, Black Pearl (that nice couple that bought me my first bowl of chowdah! so grateful for nice strangers), Lobstah Rolls, Cliff Walk, the ocean telling me, "trust me Bob, I won't hurt you", Red Parrot, Brick Alley (Mom and Kathy loved the blueberry beer), Gas Lamp Grille.....My first Samuel Adams.....I felt almost I should've been born there. Amazing by all accounts. I got to spend time there with a special person and I am forever grateful for Rhode Island and her. It actually opened me up to what was possible for a guy from 988 Grant Rd. Things changed...I said to my mom, I gotta get you up to Newport RI. And with her dad dying, she took a chance, like I did. She loved every part of Newport. Every part of it. I had never seen her so happy. A year later, we brought her best friend, her sister. Her sister didn't believe that she would like Rhody more than the "Jersey Shore"....I bobbed and waved through NYC, CT, into RI and we plopped our asses down in Middletown and then that night walked on Thames St and went to the Oyster House. I never saw two women so in awe. I will have to find a picture. As sisters, it was almost as if they were meant to be there. I have since visited Newport since both of their passings. I miss them. 

Providence Rd...The current residence. Peace. 

Untethered Soul - The Path to Unresistance Pgs 152-153

These personal events that take place in our lives leave impressions on our minds and hearts. Those impressions become the basis for asserting our will to either resist or cling. It's no deeper than that. The events may have happened in your childhood or at various points throughout your life. Regardless of when they happened, they left impressions inside of you. Now, based on these past impressions, you are resisting the current events that are taking place. This creates inner tension, turmoil, struggle, and suffering. Instead of seeing this and refusing to allow these past events to run your life, you buy into them. Believing they have real meaning, you put all your heart and soul into either resisting or clinging. But in truth, this entire process has no real meaning. It just destroys your life.

The alternative is to use life to let go of these impressions and the stress they create. In order to do this you have to become very conscious.You have to carefully watch the mental voice that tells you to resist some-thing. It literally commands you: "I don't like what he said. Fix it." It gives you advice and tells you to confront the world by resisting things. Why do you listen to it? Let your spiritual path become the willingness to let whatever happens make it through you, rather than carrying it into the next moment. That doesn't mean you don't deal with what happens. You're welcome to deal with it, but first let the energy make it through you. If you don't, you will not actually be dealing with the current event, you will be dealing with your own blocked energies from the past. You will not be coming from a place of clarity, but from a place of inner resistance and tension.