Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I’ve hit a wall. I guess, like anyone, we all have thoughts about situations where we know we could end up getting the wrong end of the stick. I always speak up for people and speak up for myself. I know that some people don’t like to hear what may honestly be the truth about a situation. I mean, does anyone like hearing criticism? No. None of us do.

I am trying to search for the right answer in a very difficult and intense situation. Call me what you will, but I guess when I see something good I go after it. The thing is, I may go after it blindly and without consideration for the situation or people involved. I just think if you can say what’s on your mind and in your heart you are being true to yourself and the situation and if a person can’t respect that; then I guess there’s nothing to be said for the person.

At the time I find myself torn between going after something I want and being content in the safety of not taking a chance to open a can of worms. Anyone ever feel like this? Feel like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t? I know it’s not just me. The principal always has some good advice. I mean, that’s what principals are supposed to do for kids. I guess I’m still a kid in some ways, but I like that. I like that I take people for what they show me and don’t dig deeper into their heads for some reason why I should doubt them. No one likes to be made a fool and consequences of playing around with a person’s emotions can vary. Since I finally grew up at the ripe age of like 29, I’ve learned that being angry and mean to someone will get you no where in life. Every situation can be handled in a way that both people can feel comfortable about saying what they want to say.

I sometimes cringe at the echoes of yells that sometimes occurred while I was growing up. Wondering if someone would hear and come and help out since I was too young to do anything. Wondering if this was the way “adults” sorted things out. I know we’ve all been involved in these types of situations as children, adolescents, or adults. It’s never a good thing. Nowadays when I feel a situation going towards that direction, I start to be quiet. I just tend to look away or think of something that emits serenity in life like the ocean, the beach, or an empty city sidewalk. I just don’t have much respect for people who yell just to hear their words over top of others. The most pertinent words will do damage regardless if they’re loud or silent.

After some thought about recent events, I wanted to make a decision to bail on the whole ordeal. It’s causing me to stress about stuff that is way out of my control. I really don’t want to control anything. I just want to have a chance for things to be right. And I guess that’s where the missing variable is in this equation. The “right thing to do” may be two different things to two different people at this point. In any case, I don’t bode well to dishonesty and beating around the bush and I’m not going to start.

I could sit here and say that age, experience and wisdom can have something to do with being indecisive, but I’m just too smart for that. I think many of the same thoughts I did all along life. My actions may not have always followed, but in the end, being true to yourself and the people or person you care about can take you safely down a many a road in life.

"Life's rewards go to those who let their actions rise above their excuse"- Lee J. Colan

Monday, February 23, 2009

jump in

I went and saw a movie this weekend. It was called he’s just not that into you. I had a feeling that it was the proverbial “chic flick” but was pleasantly surprised that it turned out to be a very contemporary movie that resonates with the 21-34 generation. The myspacers and socially-inept dynamic group that includes “texting” as a personal trait. There were a lot of situations in the movie that hit close to home. It crossed over a few different types of relationships. The single guys and girls, the new relationships, the marriages, the soon to be over relationship. I don’t want to go into the whole movie, but I agreed with a few things the actors said during the course of the movie.

One female character said to a male character that he had spent so much time being single that he forgot what it was like to want to love someone, but that she was a lot closer to finding someone than he was.

In another part of the movie, a character said he couldn’t be remotely close to happy if you (his girlfriend/fiancĂ©e) aren’t happy.

I can agree with both statements. People don’t realize how truly happy they can be when they’re involved in something that is so pure, so innocent, so positive and so exciting. Trusting someone with your feelings is never easy to do. As humans, we seem to want control over everything. I think feelings are something that we can easily lose control over when we let them get in the wrong hands. When I say wrong hands, I have to explain. I know everyone thinks that the people that we think my care the most about us have good intentions; it’s not always the case. What I say is that you get back what you put in.

This past weekend I through the rules out the window. When convention may have told me that what I was doing was wrong, I still did what I wanted. I even had a hard time getting in the cab and telling him where to drive. I was nervous walking into the bar, but it was one of those times where I knew what I wanted to do and I didn’t care about crossing over the right-wrong lines. I didn’t break any laws. And I didn’t damage any property. But I took a chance and I turned out to get exactly what I wanted out of the night. And that’s not always the way I choose to live. I usually respect a situation or what people tell me, but sometimes you just get tired of putting your happiness in the back seat for the sake of not stirring the pot. I may not go after something I want. I may wait for things to develop, but on this night, I just felt like I didn’t have time to waste pondering about what if’s? What if’s will never be answered if you do absolutely nothing.

Could I be any more vague about what happened? I guess I’m respecting a person’s privacy, so think what you will.

My point here goes back to a line in the movie. The general mantra of the movie’s main character. If someone wants to see you, they will make an effort to see you. If someone wants to be with you, they will do whatever it takes to be next to you. Get my point? I recently heard a story of some guy that blew some girl off to do his taxes. That could have been the worst excuse regardless if it was a lie or the truth. Taxes man? Come on now. Take the girl out!

I don’t know. I guess people could say that I think we have all the time in the world. I don’t think that which is exactly why I took fate into my own hands and changed what was going to happen. It’s ironic….we will go after careers we want. We will go after material items we want. We will go after that new look we want. We will go after that new scene we’re looking for. So what the hell? I guess sometimes the rules out the window and go after that thing that makes you smile.

Whether things turn out the way you want in life, it’s really great to live in a good moment. If you’re alone or with someone, it can still be something to cherish.

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." -William Jennings Bryan

Friday, February 20, 2009

cheers mate

I have always been both impressed and disappointed in a person’s free will. We really have the ability in this country to be anyone that we want. You can create your own identity, blend with a group, or mimic that of someone you admire. Individuality is the spirit of the human soul. Sure, we might all shop at the same haunts. We might buy identical items. We might even go to this one spot to get a burger along with about 100 billion other people do each day. The thing that truly makes an individual special is their mind. I am always impressed when people tell me exactly what they’re thinking. Just their thoughts on life, art, music, and the current events of the evening.

I love to listen to people talk about their lives. Some people love life so much it runs into the color of your own life. We have so many social mediums to use these days. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, phones, cell, texting. I mean, we all seem to want to show people our lives and want them to be a part of every scene. I relish that. I enjoyed it a lot last week when my friend D made it a point to not just settle for what he was doing that night. He had said he was going to come down to my part of town, but well, things changed. D has a daughter so I give him so much more lee-way because I really respect him as a father because I am not there yet. To be the person he is and live the way he does, he really has no time to himself and his thoughts. As where I, well, maybe I do have time on my hands even if I don’t wear a watch. So D said he was coming down and had to wait for a babysitter or something like that. I was in the city, so I took the train back into my neighborhood, stopped at home for a second, and then met him and his new ladyfriend down at a place called Tonic. Just some drinks and some good chat. But see, this is where the human part comes in. You know how you know people enjoy your company? Simple. They smile when they greet you and most likely give you a hug. D is a good friend and we’ve shared a number of good times together. But he never shirks his extroverted greeting to his friends. And when I enter the place and see my buddy D, we own it. We’re loud. We’re obnoxious. We’re even white trash. I often refer to my real close friends that I came up with as. I mean, we’re all lower than some socioeconomic class above us right? Lower-lower, middle-lower, upper-lower, lower-middle, middle-middle, upper-middle…you see where I’m going. So we greet, share a brief man-bear-hug and just say, “what’s up?” As is customary with D, I get the, “Yo B, this is insert first name here. Isn’t she a great girl?” Yeah D, she’s diamonds man. And with that we enjoy some laughs, some drinks, some stories, and the occasional “hun, how ya doing? Can I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?” We are always joking. On this nite, D’s company fit in very nicely. I think she was shocked by D’s comments and the fact that I could care less what I was wearing much less saying that night. It was all good.

I left D and his ladyfriend when they went to drive home. Ended up being that battery was dead and the car wouldn’t start. I consider this a very clear sign that D was not meant to drive home that night and I’m happy he didn’t. I’ve lost enough in life, but losing friends is not something I am ready to deal with in this part of my life.

All I can say is that I hope everyone gets to enjoy friendships like the one above. So much time is lost on trivial things these days that I don’t think we get enough time with our friends. I wish nites like last weekend would last forever, but the bar does have to close and we all have to go home.

In the next few weeks and months, take a few minutes and stop and look around when you’re out with friends. Notice the colors of the walls, the looks on people’s faces, the taste of the air and the smells around you. Listen to the lyrics in the music a little closer. Talk to that girl or guy a little bit longer. Find out one more thing about them that they just want to tell you.

I’ve been lucky with friends. Most of them have always supported me and been there when I need them most. I am so very thankful for that. Enjoy your friends. Enjoy life.

"We live for the nights we'll never remember with the people we'll never forget." – Daryll Slaughter


Thursday, February 19, 2009


A friend of mine had a comment in his status that said something about how people never learn. So I made a few comments and he said “a tiger can’t change his stripes”. I know exactly what he’s referring to without going into much detail. And please readers don’t hate me for saying some of the things I might say or think here, but…..

How, in this day and age, do guys, any guys, get away with treating women like shit? I just don’t understand it. What makes me more confused is that to some sick individuals this seems like a healthy way of maintaining a relationship. The give & take, the back & forth, the yin & yang. The constant wavering of emotions that go up and down with the rising and setting of the sun. I know, I know some of you will say, “oh, that’s part of every relationship…..” Man, some of the stuff I’ve heard the past few years would make a normal guy cringe. I can say that while I was in school it was okay to have a little, okay, I was knee-deep in it 24-7, but I can blame my womanizing & selfish ways. Ahhh. College was a really special time. Ha. You know the deal. Anyhow, I just don’t get with all these people in the world girls stress about one specific guy. I almost KO’d my sister when she called me crying about some local clown who just set her up to look stupid. I put it as plain as I could. Get away from him. He’s a clown. He’ll make you look bad once, he’ll definitely do it again.

Don’t think you ladies are getting off scott-free, but it is quite not at the level that some guys try to go to. I guess I can say that’s a good thing or we’d have a lot of teary-eyed bellyachers lining the streets of my city looking for reasons why Sally ran off or no longer says “I love you” before she goes to bed. I know women sometimes like to play that dominant player role, but I think they’re fooling themselves. I had a conversation with LC just the other night. I said that most girls do want to get married at some point. For guys, some of them would have no problem aging on a barstool that was in the middle of passing women like cattle do at an auction. I know this because rarely will you see so many older, lonely women as you do men at a bar or venue. Now, I don’t know if these guys are happy, but that’s their business.

My concern is that I sometimes think, and this goes for people as close as family members, that some women would rather be in something that sucks than be alone. Is this really true? I know over time that some girls start to get it and get out of that rut, but man, it seems to take years and lifetimes and the next time you see them they’re a different person.

Someone recently said to me that they were surprised I wasn’t married yet. I don’t really see this being a big surprise, but maybe that’s because I know the person I am. Had I gotten married to one of the two girls I’ve been involved with the last decade; I know neither of us would have been happy with life. They spared me and I spared them. My response to the person who said they were surprised was that I am intensely picky about spending lots of time with someone. It’s not that I pick apart someone’s personality, but well, you gotta have the qualities I look for. I think we all search for that in a mate, but on the flip side, I find it totally knee-buckling when someone I wouldn’t be attracted to attracts me to them. Maybe that’s what you found in your current relationship. The Yin to your Yang. Or the Moe to your Curly. Wait, were Moe, Larry & Curly? No wayyyyyyy.

Anyhow, Spring is coming towards us. Put away the sweaters and overcoats and layers. Undress a little more when you head out to the bar. A little bit more life in the air with the leaves and trees in the Northeast starting to come back out of their winter thaw. I always joke around with my friend LC when the weather starts getting warm. It’s like the b right of spring mantra. Single or in a relationship I say the same thing. It might sound a bit immature to some of you, but you know I don’t really care. I say, “L, it’s getting warmer out! And you know what that means??!!! People are wearing less clothing…” Now that might come off as sounding like everyone should running around jumping people, but all I’m saying is when it starts to get warmer you just seem to feel more alive and willing.

And as I am writing this an article popped up on Yahoo! It said “Indian Woman gets married for the 23rd time….” She said “It gets lonely….” I mean, she’s 68, so what, she was married once every two years? I guess when she invited men in to see her place they’d see shoes, some belts, and wedding dress hanging up on the door. Ya know…just in case.

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.

-Lucille Ball


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

table for one please

So a few people asked me why I’m not posting as much. Believe me, it’s not easy to come up with interesting stuff 24-7. I mean, if I wrote about my real life, that shit would be interesting, but I’d also probably be disowned from work, friends, family, society, & the planet. Anyhow, it’s still all good. Thought I was getting sick, but nothing ten hours of sleep couldn’t cure.

I was just telling the principal that I think he’s working too hard these days. We all need a break now and then. Some people more than others. I mean, the guy has been going at it for a few months (I can’t be too easy on him since these educators of youth have summers off); but just the same. We all need to realize when we need to just go outside, sit on the steps and look out to the world (or as far as your eyes can see). I used to do that back in the old neighborhood. Just go outside of house and watch the cars pass on a crisp winter day. It’s cold, but it’s that good cold like you breathe in at the top of a mountain you’re about to ski down. Deep breath in, deep breath out. It can help freeze your brain kinda like when you eat a slurpy too fast (I’ve never actually had a slurpy, so substitute anything that gives you “brain freeze”). Anyhow, these past few months have also been busy for me, but I’ve always tried to view work as more of a challenge than a battle. I said to my grandfather last night, there’s two types of stress. Toxic stress and good stress. I know that may sound weird to some, so maybe I’ll explain…

Toxic stress is that crap you deal with when you have to hear some bellyache about how crappy their boyfriend or girlfriend is to them. Or when you have to stand in line to pay a ticket and some character in front of you just wants to tell the lady at the window his theories on why the world is unfair to him. Toxic stress is when family wants too much of your time and gives you reasons why they deserve this time.

Good stress is working your ass off and meeting that deadline. Good stress is trying to rush home to get flowers, bake a cake, light candles, and wrap a present before your significant other gets home on their birthday. Good stress is the beginning of a game and the end of the game. Win or Lose. I still get that feeling before the game. Go BOG in 2009. Good stress is doing whatever it takes to make it happen. I say make it happen because I really don’t know all of you that well at the current time. Some I saw last night. Some I haven’t seen since 1990. And some of you have passed away.

So you get my drift. Stop and think before you start passing toxic stress. I mean, we’re all guilty of it. I get caught up in the moment and let my emotions get the best of me sometimes, but I mean, we’re human. I admire the police officer for the way he is 99% of the time. With everything he’s been through in life, his demeanor remains the same. Cool & collected like Cool Hand Luke. He saved me and my mouth numerous times over the years, but without my mouth we’d never have gotten so much attention, right man?

We can all handle the good stress as long as it comes in bits and pieces and not every day. Life is tough enough.

I know some people, ha, all people like to blow off steam at the end of the week. I know we all do that in a number of ways and means. Whatever you fancy is cool with me. Just hold on to the rails as you go on that ride and follow these few simple words….

WATCH THE TRAM CAR PLEASE….A little humor for my Jersey Shore folks. Is it summer yet?

If you think you’re under pressure, you’re probably not, because when you really are, you don’t even have time to think about
-Ron de Jonge

Monday, February 16, 2009

in silence

So I got a lot messages over the weekend. Lots of surprises to. Like I said, I think we all think about things around that day, but I didn’t think that the feelings would be reciprocated as much as they were. A few surprises. A few words that caught me off guard. And some things were just things that I had no idea happened.

I guess the one thing that I realized after all the things that happened this weekend is the importance of a moment. I used to be a person who would just not talk about the way I felt. Even more so, the way I felt about anyone in my life. I guess as we get older, we realize that the great people around us are not always going to be around. Man, that makes me wish I had one more day to see my grandmother and tell her how special and great I really thought she was before she passed in 2001. It all happens so fast. In the blink of an eye someone special to you is gone from your life. Like passing traffic on the highway, we just see a blur and keep on driving.

The people I spoke to this weekend told me some things that I was not really aware of. One person told me what I really meant to them. Another told me that I was great. Another told me that they missed me in recent days. I spent Saturday night on the couch directly across from my best friend. My grandfather. I went out Friday night and did enough and just wanted to relax and talk. I guess some guys on here would think, “wtf?”, I’d rather be with some hot chic, out in the city, and having a blast. Well, I guess I really could have been out doing that, but I didn’t feel well and chose to spend some time with a person who is special to me. As I was doing this I was getting a lot of messages about things from the past. I guess even though myself and these people have gone our separate ways, I made an impression on their life.

In one situation the person told me that I had no idea how much I meant to them while we were seeing each other a few years ago. This really caught me off guard as I kind of thought it was just a fun summer thing. But that is my point, maybe there was so much more to be said that was never said. So much more to share that was not shared. I mean, I was honest and said that she would of made a great girlfriend or future wife, but at the time I didn’t think that far down the road. Nevertheless, I tried to turn a conversation positive and became selfless. I said that had she stayed with me she may have never met the wonderful guy she is now in a relationship with. While I bite my tongue and said that, I had to be honest about the way things had turned out. Since that time we’ve always been friends behind the scene and it almost makes me laugh that people think we have nothing in common. But we do. I don’t really consider that I was a sacrificial lamb, but rather a guy who wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship that summer.

It’s strange how we meet people throughout life. Every person I have ever come into personal contact with has had an effect on the person I am. Some I hold on to. Some I keep around. Some I let go and find their way in life and some I just keep a distant memory. Do you believe that people in life are only supposed to be around for a specific time in your life? I really don’t know the answer to that question….

What stumps me more is when people move on and still think about their time with you days, months, years, and decades down the road. Almost makes you think, did I make the right choices or did this play out exactly how it was supposed to?

With all this being said please take just a few minutes to tell the people you care about most how you feel about them. I think about the poor families who had to deal with losing a loved one in recent weeks from the flight that crashed near Buffalo. I just get chills thinking of the final seconds of their lives and what goes through a person’s mind at that time. I really just can’t even fathom it.

A lot is going on in our lives right now and people that you think know you love them may not be so aware. Or that person who you think understands how much you mean to them may just think you’re a flash in the pan of their life. Even more so, your guy & girl friends may just want to hear your voice on the line and want you to ask them how their day was today. I always think I talk to much, but people have told me I am also a really good listener. Listen to your friends, your family, your co-workers, and even your lost friends. They might just have something to say that inspires you to say something you’ve been holding off on saying.

We had some good talks this weekend folks. It brings to mind a lyric from a favorite group of mine that sums up a lot of what I think about relationships past and present….

“In silence we still talk.” Alien by Bush.


Friday, February 13, 2009

last call

Well, it’s Friday. Even though work was difficult this week another weekend is once upon us. I don’t know what it is, but getting out of work on a Friday afternoon is just as exciting as the last day of school. I know it may sound childish, but around 4:45 I get that “butterfly” feeling in my stomach. Like, “I wonder what everyone’s up to tonight?” A past girlfriend of mine used to say, “You always want to be out and with everyone and having fun.” I thought this was a stupid statement. I think you can have just as much fun with a huge, raging group of people as you can with a few of your closest friends.

I miss the days of college when me, the principal, the police officer, and the slob would ham it up for hours in 620, my apartment. Maybe you’re like me and you always smile when you think back to your college days or days you spent living in some random city with new and exciting friends. All that innocence and chaos thrown into a place that you started to call your home away from home.

So yeah, it’s Friday and yes, I want to see what people are up to. I like meeting new people just as much as I like spending time with people in my life. It’s amazing what you find out about yourself when other people tell you what they think about you. Even if it’s not always good, it gives you a chance to grow as a person and develop into a more well-rounded person. Me and my sister L always butted heads when we get on the topic of what we think about each other. I guess that’s why I love her and admire her to no end. She’s never been afraid to tell me that she didn’t like this or that about me. And I think people these days hold back on telling the people they care about what they think about them. I guess it’s one of those things like damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I know L loves to speak her mind and I know she says it with care. I mean, I would have to believe that anyone who lived with 4 sisters in one room knows how to compromise, so maybe it’s not her, it’s the people around her who can’t compromise.

We’ve all had to compromise things in our lives, but I guess none of us want to compromise in a way that we know is basically against social norms or basic rules of society. We’re all bound to some loyalty to the ethics or morals or lack there of that we’ve grown accustomed to, right?

Someone recently made the statement “well, yeah, I wonder if you’re ever going to grow up?” I didn’t take offense to it because the person said it in a way that was both thought-provoking and endearing at the same time. My question back to her was “does being married and having children qualify me as growing up?” She kind of stared at me and said, “well, not really”. The point of those sentences is that while we could all easily have settled down with anyone, none of us wants to compromise our expectations on what we see as an ideal partner. And I think that’s great. I have four younger sisters and I always tell them that they deserve the best. And really, every girl does. I’d say the same for the guys, but well, being a guy, I’d say that some of us don’t deserve to be walking around with princesses on our arms.

I guess people will say that a person like me never wants to settle, but they’re wrong. I want to settle for the happiest I could possibly be. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I said to my friend LC last night. The games have changed, so you gotta change your playbook up. I then brought up S’s blog and said see what this girl says? She appreciate the speed at which dating progresses these days. And I said to LC, you can either be quickly in love with someone or quickly not in love with someone. Either way, its gonna keep moving. Just keep up and you’ll be fine.

You’ve heard of the term keeping up with the Joneses. Well, in relationships, you don’t have to keep up with anyone. Just follow your heart and you’ll be fine. If someone makes you feel good about yourself keep going back to that. If someone doesn’t make you feel good go away from that. I know it sounds so simple and I know that it’s not that easy, but you get the idea.

I’m feeling good about this weekend…..see you out in the city.


Thursday, February 12, 2009


It means Valentines Day….

So I went to the game with A. Great time, good drinks, better food; and good stories about occurrences in the last few months. We just had some good laughs. And heard a song with eloquent lyrics. She got her own car, she pay her own bills, she got her own money. Or something like that. I’m real proud that someone is making millions off of lyrics a pre-schooler could write. I knew I should have been a rapper. Southeast Delco is very similar to Compton, California.

Anyhow, I always get a good laugh when people get amused at my stories or say “only you would say something like that”. I said to A that he’s quick, but then he came back with, yeah man, but not that quick. But I digress, timing is not always everything in life. I always say I look at moments in a few ways. Great opportunity, questionable participants. Questionable opportunity, great participants. Great participants, great opportunity. You can play that any way you like. I’m not always referring to things between a guy and a girl. I also think of that kind of thing that a bad situation can be valued if you go through it with great people. Of course the ideal situation would be to go through something great with great people or a great person.

I was going to get into some deep stuff today, but it’s been one of those weeks. Lots on my mind and even more to think about. Ever have those weeks where you wish every day was Friday? People are gonna probably say “B, you wish your whole life was a Friday night?” Yeah, who the hell doesn’t? I don’t find pure enjoyment over waking up on weekdays, but the Man says he won’t give me money unless I wake up and do his biddings.

Well it’s almost Friday and I am actually interested in what all of you are up to this weekend. Will you be spending some down time with a loved one on Valentine’s Day? Will you be pining for love lost and the gifts you used to get when you were together? Will you be Cupid’s enemy and spend it at a bar or club with other singles saying “I hate Valentine’s Day” in the same breath saying “I wish I was with him or her…or at least not alone.” I guess it’s all relative, but depending on where I’m at on Saturday I’ll still be smiling. I guess I’m single, but I’ve never really landed on that word for referring to myself. Insert foot in mouth for anyone who knows me 5 plus years.

I don’t mean to make you sad or upset, but I have to say this. See, what I think about when I write the word single is that you are physically single and not with anyone. I never really think that way. Someone is always on my mind or inside of my heart in some way. Like my friend M says, “spread love, shine on”. I believe that. I believe the love you share is the love you get in return. On a less than positive note, I know there are people out there who are in something they’d rather not be a part of and they are the loneliest people out there because they’re too afraid to stand on two feet and search for the love they deserve. Someone close to me comes to mind. And it’s been hard to watch over the years.

I guess the only thing I can do is keep my heart open that she’ll find a person that loves her for the great person she is. I’m happy I came to that point in my life where I don’t have to be second best in anything in life. Standing in a line at a club is okay. Standing in line waiting for someone to love you the way you want is downright painful. Someone once said to me “You’re always searching for greener grass.” What she didn’t know was that I was searching for greener grass, but I wanted to lay on the grass with her. I was never one to be preoccupied with having someone else when I was with someone, but rather having the greatest time with the person I was with at that time. I value each relationship I’ve ever been in and funny as it may seem, they’ll pop in and out of my head on Valentines Day. If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship around Valentines Day (interjection, I guess I don’t know if everyone quantifies “serious relations” by days, weeks, months or years), then you’ve done something around Valentine’s Day. Even if it was just a nice card, some flowers, or for J the Inn of the Dove in Harrisburg. ha. Love ya Cousin Jas.

I hope all of you are happy doing whatever you do. By yourself, with your special someone, or the someone you find for a few hours of bliss. Come on now, I have to admit the obvious. Watch the drunk dialing of all ex’s. Refrain from calling the girl from the club/bar/bus stop 30 minutes after you get her number. If you’re not sure what to get her…..chances are you don’t even really know her that well.

"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists ... in the loved one, perfection."
-Sidney Poitier

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Don't make life harder for yourself. If you have to work so hard for people to accept you they're probably not the people you want in your life. I mean, when you go to buy some new clothes, do you try on one size and then walk out and buy it? Everything needs to fit perfectly on you. Okay, maybe not perfectly, but well enough that you look good. Of course you all look good. Friends are the same way. Find them, try them in your life, see if they fit, and keep them around. I can admit I've had to toss a few friends out. Even exchanged a few as they didn't always "fit". It may hurt you if these friends have been in your life for a while and you have come to discover that it's just not beneficial to be friends with them. Even more so if they're a significant other, but the same rules apply. You tried them on, they fit until you outgrew them and now you need to go shopping again, right? Or maybe....maybe you recycle. Maybe you even go to the thrift store and buy some used stuff. Ewww..Ha. Ha....

In a way I guess we're all getting sloppy seconds. What really stinks is when you keep trying on the same piece and every time you look at it in the mirror, it doesn't fit. Maybe you don't need to keep trying to change the piece. Maybe just drop the piece on the floor and walk out of the store......



First off, thanks to the people that have been sending me comments and appreciation about my writings. It motivates me to search for more in my life and in my mind. I guess sometimes when I talk to friends, family, & peers, I even pick their brains for some words or statements to add. I am often asked for advice about an array of life situations and I sometimes think to myself. Are these people asking me because I’ve been through what they’re going through or because they’re at a loss as to what to do in the situation? I guess either choice could be the right one, but most of all I think people come for support. Support if they choose to be wrong. Support if they choose to be right.

Recently, I’ve had to deal with the wrong, but like I said, I think I’m there for moral support. We all need a “it’s okay” moment to share with someone close to us. It helps if you have some type of background or life with that person, but then I think about the little kid who hurts his knee on the playground and the adult saying “Awe, it’ll be okay”. A statement for everything in life right there on the playground. It will be okay. I have been in some dire situations in life. Anyone who knows the story of my life to this point will usually say, “dude, you’re one lucky guy”. I didn’t used to agree with that statement, but after the principal and the police officer have said this to me X number of times over the course of our friendship, I have to agree. I don’t want to say that I am lucky to be alive, but given some circumstances, I am.

We all need a little support once in a while. I know people like to say they are “fine, strong, don’t need your help, I can do it on my own”, but well, I think we sometimes say that with bated breath. A number of people have helped me become the person I am in life and they support me without saying a word. People who may come down on you are not lacking in their support for you; quite the contrary they are your biggest supporters because they are so emotional about wanting the best for you.

Although you may not hear it, we can still speak in silence. If you know others care about you, but don’t always call you out on stuff, know they care enough to make some changes and do the right thing.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

liquid pyramid

I love work. I would have to admit that since I have been on this earth for a few decades, I've always had a job, always thrived, and have never taken a vacation of more than 3 days. I mean, I must love it, right? I think about that every time someone mentions these places that I dream about visiting. Cabo anyone? I don't know. Maybe it's the blue-collar in me that I never took off. Maybe it's that Philly work ethic that I somehow learned all those years in Irish Catholic & Italian upbringing. Maybe I do like being grinded down to the barest of bones in a job until I get it done. I don't like to say I've ever settled for much in life. And, well, maybe I don't like to settle for having something halfway finished. I mean, who leaves bricks on the table with these tough economic times? Take those bricks and build yourself a pyramid. You might look an alcoholic to some, but at least you're productive. You're all taking a drink of the working mans well (this a unisex statement ladies please don't bash me).

Anyhow, sometimes do you ever get going on a project, task, follow-up, or dream....and just feel like you're walking on one of those ground-level motorized walkways you can use in the airport? I mean, shit...even when I walk on those things I still see people walking on the non-moving ground and going just as fast. Is the airport trying to tell me something besides your flight is delayed? Like hey son, use all your techno-mo-logical doo-hickeys to walk from point A to point're not getting there any faster. You just think you look cooler trying to get there. I know why they call the little squares in excel "cells"....the longer you use these damn things the more you feel trapped in your box.

So what! I took a break. I can't spend my entire life working towards retirement.


10 minutes

You ever just wake up and not worry about anything? I used to wake up worrying about all kinds of stuff. From family, to friends, to work, to school, to um, what I did last night…And, well, who the hell are you sleeping next to me? Or in college and thereafter, where the hell am I and why are you speaking in pig Latin? Those last few are of course just exaggerations. Sometimes in the past I never had to ask those questions because the nights would become mornings and I’d just “go through it”. Ah The Deck. These days I have some mix of normal nights with a side of insanity.

Some mornings, like today for instance, I woke up with a calm ease. I woke up ten minutes later than what I had planned, but since I didn’t set my alarm, err cell phone, ten minutes earlier it just didn’t happen. Anyhow, I woke up and my heart wasn’t racing at the usual BPM rate that it might when you get up in the morning. It wasn’t even rushing. It was like watching the tide go out on the beach. It was just moving along at it’s own pace. I stood there for a brief second and just looked.

When I have mornings like that I get up more motivated and ready for whatever the day will hold. I think I said in an earlier post that if you can go to bed smiling on your pillow you’re a lucky person. I think if your mornings are greeted with a sense of calm contentment; you go away with a safe confidence that things are pretty good.

That happened this morning. Well, that’s what the guy who wrote this told me. :)


Monday, February 9, 2009


Man, just when I think I have had the best weekends of my life, I have one that topped a lot of them. Anyhow, with the financial times being what they are and people losing their jobs I find it inspiring and enjoyable that you can get just as much out of a night of interesting conversation and a few drinks with a special person as you can popping bottles in some jaw-dropping club with the music dripping off the walls into the beats of your soul.....When i think that I know all there is about a certain species, some people just open my eyes and make me grin when they open their mouth to tell me their thoughts on life, love, family, and what makes them feel good.

In the same aspect, having the time of your life with a few great friends also makes life seem so worth it. I loved it. Being a few feet above ground level and watching the crowd from a slight distance as my friends just let it all out. I love that the friends I have now find absolutely nothing wrong with dancing, singing, raging, and being themselves around me and anyone else. I don't miss the days of being a tough guy who never had any fun and stood against the wall. Just not me. So these days, err nights, when I can smile for hours, pat my buddies on the back, dance like I'm in my own show, and hoot and holler at the top of my lungs....well, that's when I feel alive. I know it may sound stupid, but if you're a fan of music, any kind of music, it just moves you in ways that nothing else can.

I was impressed by everyone and everything that happened this weekend. Sometimes I think you just need to put yourself out there and let yourself absorb what people have to offer your life. Don't shut yourself out to the possibility of feeling all that a night may have in store for you......even if you may question some of your actions or feelings; you can wake up the next day and start all over, but come on....who regrets a night of pure, unadulterated fun? I don't. Never have, never will.

As much fun as I have writing, I get just as much enjoyment listening to life.


Friday, February 6, 2009


So this guy who thinks he knows all kinds of stuff about the law (he's a lawyer) told me to stop blogging and do some work. I'll stop writing when you stop reading, deal? The guy's a good friend, so I saw all of this in jest. I started the weekend a bit early, but who doesn't? The crowd is moving pretty fast. The feelings are moving even faster. Most of the times life seems to be a blur of work, text messages and semi-regretful mornings. Sometimes I think in the 40 years from now....I just want to say, I did everything I wanted to do. I want life to mirror what I have in my head. A shaken and stirred mix of raw human emotion that baselines off of happiness, love, and the feeling I get when I open my eyes after a kiss.

Call me what you want guys. I've been called worse by the girls.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

the question

Wow. Two posts in one night. Okay, I'm officially bored in my apartment, but have to talk....

So a few weeks ago I'm at this local bar near where I grew up. The bar is called the Red Lantern. I really never understood how it got this name. I feel like that name should be bestowed upon a pub in the Kensington or Hammersmith end of London. Yes, I've been to both ends. Anyhow, it's like Jack the Ripper type shit. The Red Lantern. Anyhow, I think everyone in my family, aside from my ma and pa have been there. It's kind of that "cheers" bar, but my town happens to have some pretty fancy women. Tough, but fancy. Anyhow, cut to the chase.....

So a few weeks ago, I'm there. I was in transit and in the middle of my commute back to the city, but decided to stay at my grandfathers. I went to the prinicipals house to watch some of the fight. Then my sister came and picked me up and we went to the bar. I always know a ton of people there. I usually get "dude/bobby, you've been away for like 3, 4, 5, 10 years....where were you? in jail? extradited? saving the world?"....None of the above. One girl who I recently came to know in the past year or so asked me something that no girl, no pretty girl, no not pretty girl ever asked me ever since I've been going out....

She says...."When are you gonna have kids?" I really didn't know what to say, but everything in my mind just went bouncing around like it does. I had all kinds of ideas, but none of which I thuoght were the truth. I mean, its no surprise, people have kids without getting married. I didn't want to offend this girl by saying that I think you should be married when I believe that you can be a good parent without being married. So, I lie. I say, Nikki, I'm gonna do that whole wife thing and do it the normal way..." She replies with "I know don't even think that any girl is good enough for you...."

To that I just laughed cause I don't believe that. Hell, I know there are some on my friends list right now that are special enough. I just told her that I am insanely picky. picky about personality traits, but that I feel that you need to talk as well as you may look. Personality is so important. I mean, I want to be 70 and have my wife give me a hard time about something and just shake my head like I have in recent days. I also don't want some problem. I think that it can be easy. So this girl says what she says and I reply. I am left kind of bewildered because since leaving the area.....I may come off as pompous. Which is something I am not. I didn't want to disrespect her by saying having a child out of wedlock was bad cause I really can't judge anyone.....

If anyone knew about me they'd say I was destined to a life of apology. So yeah, I mean, I do think about the kid question, but well, maybe its the one thing I never got around to doing......

elder statesmen

When I am having a bad day or having trouble with something, I always find that speaking to my grandfather to be the greatest therapy in the world. I can sit there and say whatever I want and I will get the honest, old-world, no-nonsense truth from him. Whether it's about relationships, jobs, partying, parents, traffic in Smelco, or the beach.....the guy will never shy away from telling me what he thinks. As I sit, um stand, I'm friggin standing in my kitchen, mykitchen that is painted with a color call "optimistic yellow". When my mom saw the kitchen, she thought I had gone another direction with my life...of course, if you know me, that's just not a possibility.. And there's nothing wrong with either team you play for....But I digress...

As I stand here, I can only laugh at how talking with my grandfather makes me feel. Sometimes I wish I came from a simpler time. No war, no sinking economy, no divorces, no terrorism, no crashes, no nothing, but then I think for a second...the guy is 78 years old...he's gone through the wire and back. I guess you just tough it out and live to fight another day by the time you're his age.

Do you have a special person you share so much with? A parent? A friend? A relative? I mean, that person that you could tell anything to, but really, you are just impressed with their take on life. How they are totally at ease with everything that can and will happen. I have a few friends that I know are like that. They handle the most difficult situations in life with grace and a quiet calm. I just hope that it's honest. Me on the other hand. I sometimes run down the street with my ass on fire just to see who will look. It's strange though. It can change as you rotate through groups of friends. In one group you could be the party boy/girl and in another you're just a rookie. Okay, so maybe all of you don't party any more.


clocking it

Do I waste time? Who the hell doesn't? I mean, wasting time is something every person needs to do once in a while. My one sister said to me the other day "shit Bob, who the hell cares if I want to stay in my room all day and sleep?" When I thought about it, I was like, yeah, I mean, I guess if you did what you needed to do, went to work, ate, showered, cleaned yourself, and then woke up on your day off and wanted to do nothing...that's every person's God-given right. I've found myself spending 1, 2 or 24 hours in a blob-like, hibernating state.......I know every guy who sees this will understand, but I always girls like to be totally lazy on their days off?

My one sister always seems to want to give the appearance that doing something makes it seem like you're really getting somewhere in life, but shit, I'd have no problem sitting down on some beach chair off the coast of Mexico, Spain or actually...come to think of it...Ibiza....sipping a Corona with my 12 closest friends, a beautiful baby, and a great pair of worn jeans and Reef flip-flops.......Do I have to be rich to achieve that? Maybe. Maybe not......

I guess for now I'll take the Jersey shore, dark water that obscures my feet, my pop pop's can in the sand and a few cold miller lites from the local 6-pack store. What says class like a miller lite?

While that time might not cost's worth so much more than money could buy.


I read a story that really touched me today. This was the quote at the end of it. From Emily Dickinson's Chariot.....I hope they find the person that did you wrong Billey Joe Johnson

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me …

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

it happened

And for anyone that asked if that story in the club was true.....of course it was. I can't make up shit that good.

And to all the good girls and boys out are worth it. Time is something we can never get back so don't go wasting your heart and your time on something that's not worthwhile.

Life can be what we want it to be.


passing lane

It seems as though in the this hi-tech age of messaging, calling, texting, media messaging, picture messaging, messaging messaging, SMS messaging, and voicemail messaging, the best way to show your disdain for something is to ignore it.

–verb (used with object), -nored, -nor⋅ing.
1. to refrain from noticing or recognizing

I guess it comes down to something you have to ignore or willfully ignore. When things bother me I will either be very vocal about it or not say a word. I find silence to be a very useful tool in today's society. It can "say" a lot of things about a person feels. The interesting part of the definition above is "refrain from noticing". I mean, if I didn't notice something I wouldn't take action to ignore it. My point is, there are some things in life that you just have to look the other way about. I know that people might say you should confront something that bothers you, but that could just cause a whole mess of other problems.

But you have something or someone that made it so hard to ignore? Almost to the point that you're "noticing or recognizing" it/them in your thoughts? And how about going so far to ignore something or someone that you know you enjoy experiencing? Isn't that just as difficult?

The ironic thing about this is that it seems as though the more effort you put into ignoring something, the thought of it is running through your mind nonetheless. And the more you don't look at your reasons for ignoring something, the more you'll question if ignoring it was right at all.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009


It's interesting when you call people out on something you both know is true, but yet when you discuss it can never come to an agreement. I mean, my sister said to me last night "you always want to be right! you always need people to agree with you..." I know why she feels that way, but I don't believe it to be true. I mean, if you make a decision that everyone tells you is wrong, but you feel is right, then maybe it's right for you. I think that we influence our own decisiosns, but that in the end, they are a mash-up of our morals, our passions, our options, our parents, and what we believe to be society's rules....or lack there of.

Someone recently reacted to a decision I had to make. The decision was made and afterwards things had to be different. I stated that this would be the effect. So how can someone still be surprised when you warn them of the consequences of their decisions? It's like, you tell them what's going to happen, it happens, and then they're surprised about how things are afterwards. I just don't get it. Maybe it's that whole control thing I spoke about a few weeks ago. Controlling the situation is enjoyable to some people..Being controlled, not so much.

I guess maybe if people feel they can control the situation that they can control their emotions. I'm not quite sure.

As the years pass I find myself having a little bit of both worlds in situations. A little structure, a little control, and a lot of freedom to be myself. I think when you can be yourself it lets people see the most beautiful things a person can offer. I feel sorry for those people that can't be who they really are because they constantly make excuses for being stuck in a bad situation.


Monday, February 2, 2009

a dirty little story. if you have a problem with vulgarity stop reading now.

Okay, so how many of you kept reading? I thought so.

Let me preface this by saying this all occurred in a club on a weekend and I’m pretty sure there was alcohol involved. I don’t want to make some anonymous girl sound bad.

I don’t know why, but sometimes it is downright sexy to hear a girl speak her mind and sometimes even curse or say some unsavory words. It’s even more sexy when the girl can do it and still be utterly attractive.

So I get to this club in the city around 12. I had to use the restroom as soon as I got there, so I asked a friend and he points me in the right direction. The area where the bathroom is located is quite dark, so I only saw one door and proceeded to push it open. That statement tells me how I treat relationships. I don’t read the writing, I just push the door open and see what’s inside. That door could of said “DANGER AHEAD…ON-COMING BAD RELATIONSHIP.” Ha.

Anyhow, I open the door and the first thing I see is two amazingly beautiful girls. Immediately, I apologize. “I’m so sorry. I thought this was the men’s room.” The one girl goes, “Oh it’s cool. This is a unisex bathroom.” I think I saw a flock of doves fly after she said that. I’m also pretty sure there was some type of gospel-hallelujah singing in the background. I said, “ok…so it’s cool?” The girls says “yeah do your thing”. So I mosey on up to a stall. Mind you, all walls of this bathroom are covered in a collage of shredded mirror. So as I’m doing my thing these two girls behind me are in my reflection and then the one girl goes…

“It must be pretty nice to stare at me with your dick in your hand.”

I said, “well, better my hands then yours, right?” (pause for comedic timing)….

“But give me a few minutes and I’m sure that could change…”

The girl’s friend just let out a loud “OH MY GOD! Did you just say that?”

I zipped up, looked her right in the eye ands said\, “yes, and now I need a drink. Then made my exit stage left.

I got out to the outskirts of the floor and shared my story with my friend N. So I tell him and he goes, “dude, you’re bullshitting me. Your stories are sometimes too good to be true. Shit like that doesn’t happen to normal guys.”

As he’s saying this, the girl to his right turns around and says ‘No, everything he just said is totally true.” And then she turns and looks at me….

I told you so. Okay, so it wasn’t that dirty.


risk & reward

Two things that might surprise people. I don’t have internet access at my apartment and I am writing this on a Saturday night. Then again I might do more in one night than most people do in a weekend, but I digreess.

Wow, what a novel idea. A pen and a piece of paper and some thoughts. I saw something that kind of brought me down tonight. It wasn’t something that was done to me or said to me. Just words on a page (or screen in this case). Although it was just words it gave me that uneasy feeling that you may feel in your stomach and at that moment I remembered why I like to write. The affect I write to achieve was now challenging me. This uneasiness turned to frustration. Frustration led to writing this.

I am pretty sure that some people would be so sure and certain that their unsatisfied and sad rather than taking the risk to be fulfilled and happy. I guess for some they get used to the status quo of said joke, said life or said self image. I just wish that wasn’t the case because I feel we should all get what we rightfully deserve. I’m not saying everyone should jump off the Walt Whitman because their life isn’t perfect, but for some of the things you can directly have a say in, you should be able to be happy.

Maybe I’m looking into this too much. Maybe everyone in the world is happy tonight and I am sitting here not so happy, but I guess I feel like I’m not happy for the right reasons instead of being happy for the wrong reasons.

I hope you’re happy, but then again these are just words friends and who writes on paper any more these days?

I want to be right, but seeing something wrong always makes me write.