Friday, December 29, 2023

Awake

I thank you God or whoever controls the dreams. 

You gave me a glimpse, although imperfect, vivid. 

It was color you have never ever shown me. 

A tortured soul living in the past of regret. 


There were some bright moments that caught me by surprise. 


It wasn’t the me from the past, it was the me from today. 


It wasn’t her from our past, it was her from today. 


I can paint the dream, if I could paint. 


I want to write the storyline and remember it.


I’ve never dreamed so hard. 


I woke up thankful Lord. You were trying to tell me something. 


Something I just don’t understand. 


For the life of me, it was all about chasing her, chasing happiness. 


I told you I was grateful Lord. 


I am grateful for her, although she is not in my life in the physical sense; why does she haunt my dreams almost 30 years later. I laugh. As if I have any control…


I smiled at the dream. You never hear anything in the dream. You just see and act. It was dramatic…the same ways it had been dramatic. Life. 


You may have told me all that I am allowed to know….

And that is okay Lord….

At least I have the dream…

I never stopped loving her.

Monday, October 23, 2023

Replay

I can replay it. A distant memory. A time in space. The quiet moments between four walls. The times I was excited. The times I was scared. The times I was sad. The times….the times I thought it was my last time of life. Emotions making me motionless. My lack of emotions making me seem emotionless only to replay down the road to bring about emotions. The cold air that hit our faces when we walked outside. The salt air on my lips, the city air in my lungs. Your family’s cabin and the fresh water. The path along the cliff. I floated through time set inside a reality that collapsed in front of my face. I can take myself to any place in my mind, I can take that part of my heart and remember. Across the table from you, sharing a meal and the unknown. I’m in the middle of a place I couldn’t find on a map. I’m across the ocean I can still see you. I’m forever sailing toward an unknown destination. I lost who I was at some point, I could see him in the distance, a former mirage where impurity poisoned a dream. My mind forgot the most important things; my heart overpowered. I can still replay the moments I cared. I can still replay the moments. You can as well. You’re never far from the thoughts that only stop when you’re heart stops. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Remember what is most important and keep it close. Remember what was most important and wish them well. Be thankful you got the chance to have the moments….there are many who live their whole lives and never feel what you felt. If only it was forever, it would’ve been too perfect. That is not reality. Even shooting stars go in different directions…..only to dull in brightness but reach their destination. 

Sunday, September 10, 2023

Tomorrow is September 11th...

I always remember where I was, who I was with, I was 200 miles from ground zero. While I miss my Mom, this is not a memory I would want to relive. Not for 100 days with her. I am not that selfish as to cause so much more hurt. That day still gives me chills. That day still hurts. That day is a day I remembered, with my mother, who is gone now. The only thing I would do if I had that day back was to look at my parents, hug them deeply, tell them how thankful I am for both of them and how grateful I am for my life and their love. Thirty mins in New York City on September 11th, 2001.......ended so many lives.....and changed so many more for the next 20....30...40...100 years. Never forget. Bob

You can read my post here...

9/11/01

Tuesday, August 29, 2023

Been a minute...

Been a minute since I wrote on here. April to be exact. Haven't been working since around that time and enjoying this time off. Life is so short, flies by so fast. Amazing what perspective you can get on things when you stop being caught up in that 9 to 5. Haven't done much this summer. Well, didn't travel much, but that's okay. Got to the pools with my nephews and niece, lots of good time to see my sisters and enjoy being back "home"....for now. Lots of thoughts arrive in August about mom. The summer winding down, flip flops worn down, the time I didn't really get to spend at the shore, the missed plans or opportunities. Think just setting my sights on 50 being somewhere near the water. Lots of busy-ness around the old stomping grounds, but it's been good to explore a little. I think curiosity about life, what it holds, for me it helps keep me going down the road. Granted didn't see as many friends as I would've liked to see, lives change, people change, people move on, people stay. Maybe see what some other areas have going on next summer. I definitely got in a ton of pools this summer. haha. Enjoyed watching the Phils from home more than the park this year. A calm. Health and peace, so important as we age. Some ups and downs, as is life. Looking to be curious again....




Sunday, April 30, 2023

I saw you

It started with broken glass. 

I saw an open seat. 

I saw my future in you. 

I saw myself in you.

We laughed. We talked about pain.

We touched. 

We talked about the past.


I wanted more. 


You got pulled away. 


I could grip your scent. 


We talked about the rough times. 


I touched your knee.


You grabbed your side. 


I asked. 


You answered.


Your smile. Your lips. 


It brought me to life. 


My heart started beating again. 


I am alive again. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

When I run away to Mars

I wonder where we are all heading. All of us rambling along on the roads and highways, not many of us on roads of dirt or water. Our materialism ate those paths up; those paths that may have provided us the greatest nourishment. I am not working at the moment. It leaves time in your mind; for bad, for good, for anything. I will travel soon. Back to those dirt paths as I did yesterday. Along the mountain cliff or down the slope of time. Eager to see a friend that connects me to the person I was before I changed. Let's face it, we all change. I mean, we have to change and adapt; a forceful hand of cards in the deck of life. I was not the same person 25 years ago. Granted, I was not the same person 25 minutes ago. I am 25 minutes older. There are days I don't feel like fighting what is flowing. I shake that off in minutes most days. We are traveling so fast through space and time; we are coming and going across spectrums faster than we ever did as humans. Do we ever sit still any more? Do we ever just sit and think about our place in this vast universe, our place in history, our time on this planet. Getting older, folks growing older, things breaking, minds bending, longing for a place where they felt good in life only to realize that place is now only in their mind....that place where you created the memory. You and her, you and him, you and them, us, together. We're by the water, by the trees, we're eating, we're singing, we're laughing, we're laughing with you Sandman...you and your boy Chris Farley. We become adults, yet long for that approval of our parent(s), that hug, that kiss, that assurance it will be ok. We turn on the news and realize, everything is not alright. The sun has always been real and for some reason a reminder that the new day was something we've never seen before. I think I would've faded if it was dark and gray where I am. I am drawn to the brightness, that which can light up the darkness or burn me if I get too close. Thus, I will see you on that vertical trail to space and hopefully get to see the top of the mountain; that place we were at in our minds, but we can climb to again.......soon.

What If I run away to Mars?

Would you find me in the stars?

Would you miss me in the end?

If I run out of oxygen

When I run away to Mars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMPkCCxkEVI



Tuesday, February 28, 2023

in passing

Everyone has a past. Everyone has things they wish they could change. Why is it that when we lament over the past, it is usually missed opportunities or things you wish you hadn't done or experienced, but there is no changing it. It is hammered away in stone. Granted there are those lucky few who get to go through a second chance of a situation. Very rare I know. When you get excited about moving forward, you take control of your perception of the past from your heart and your mind. Really if anyone says things worked out exactly like they imagined, they're lying. We're all bootstrapping (despite what their social media will tell you). Wake up, tackle your day, wander when you can in your head, take a step back, feel love, feel joy, process sadness, process loss. A lot to do in one day. haven't written on here in a while. the future is receding, like salt water rushing away from the beach......it is truly the cycle of life. the coming and going of the tide. stay above water, swim where you can, stay still to catch your breath, reach out for a life preserver when you need to. get to safety. touch the rough of the rocks. touch it with your feet and your hands. the pain will awaken your senses....remember...there were people that couldn't jump in the water today....they have moved on....and are now, part of the past. 

"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future." - Oscar Wilde