Sometimes it comes down to really just taking a break from the normal stuff, the routine, the same old same old, the good habits, the bad habits and all things in between. Amazing what a day in the woods will do you for you. It won't solve all your problems. It won't even solve the problems that you wake up with that day, but it will give you hope. I am a firm believer that when you see growth in this world, growth of humans, growth of nature, growth of self, you see the possibility that you can grow....or start to grow against a different backdrop. Somewhere along this path, I stopped growing, got comfortable with life, got complacent, got used to being in the same place; mentally or physically. Got used to less than great people around me. Got used to people who give half the effort. Giving half the effort myself. Not giving at all. Giving to the wrong ones. Not holding the wrong ones accountable. Not holding myself accountable. We are human. We live, we learn, we falter, we grow. I think we can all agree on that. The ride I took Saturday showed me beauty. I got a chance to breathe that mountain air in. That air that I longed for from decades ago in Central Pennsylvania. Be it the morning chill or the night air, that cold air into the chambers and the shock of cold that let you know you're alive. I heard a line from a movie recently....about pain. A positive thing about pain. It's good to feel pain. It lets you know you're still alive. From the first mile to the last mile, I got a chance to take a break from an entire year, felt like an entire lifetime. I got a chance to exhale, not have to be something I am not, not entertain, not lead, not follow, just ride. Natural power in the natural environment. It was a while before I saw another human being. At one point I yelled in the middle of the woods. I knew nothing would happen. I knew that no human could hear me. I knew that the only things that could hear me were that which I could not see; hidden behind trees and bushes, hidden behind clouds, hidden under the water. It's an action that does not receive reciprocation aside from a dying echo. The thought in this day and age that you can yell at the top of your lungs and there is nothing that comes back, is both archaic and primordial. It made me laugh with immature giddiness that you can still do something like that....be alone and have no repercussions. This year has been a journey through loneliness; even among the big city, you get to be alone in your mind with your thoughts. You can be wherever you want to be. Sometimes it is just great to go to that space where you can have at it and get it out....yell at that pain...push it out of your heart and into the air where the echo of sadness eventually dies down.
"Nature understands no jesting. She is always true, always serious, always severe. She is always right, and the errors are always those of man." -Johann von Goethe
I made a run down to Duke’s. The old beers, the long time beers, the smoking inside, the old wood, the wrinkled waitress just taking it all in and maybe wondering about the years of her life, the old guys at the bar telling stories and laughing and smoking and close to each other. The occasional pat on the back or grab around the neck. No real windows. Songs from the 60’s and some doo wop. Phils on the television. Like you took a trip back in time.....and the outside world has been passing by this bar for 70 years.
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." ~ Oscar Wilde
Been a while since I last posted. Just been getting through the year. Trying not to stress about the little trivial things that don't matter. Lot of perspective this last 12-14 months. I think things are getting better and then I hit a wall. I know that's common given the situation. I am definitely a lot less stressed than I was this time last year. My Lord. This time last year was absolutely horrible all around. You can't really get it unless you're dealing with a few of the worst situations you've ever been involved in. I have notes up to stay calm and to slow down. Life has moved so fast the last decade. I sometimes wonder where it went. Maybe we all do that. Where did the time go? I can't say the last year has been a great one...or even a good one. Some bright spots here and there. I am happy that I am not carrying the baggage I once carrying and living a healthier life; mentally and physically. It's amazing how your mind changes when you've been through something tragic. You're almost like punch drunk after you get spit out of that washing machine called life. In my head and in front of my eyes, the water wraps around me. Sometimes pushing you down. Sometimes pushing you forward. All depends how you ride that wave in. Sometimes you just get slammed. It forces me into that survival mode. You're alone. No one can help you. You have to make your way back up and you need strength to do that. And out of the darkness of the bottom, you see the light at the top....always trying to grab that light. Times seem to be much more enjoyable than they have in the past with any conflicts to deal with. When you are spit out the other end, I guess you just have that "wtf" attitude sometimes. Not to say you don't care, but it's that level of caring that can impact you in a bad way. Caring so much about something that negatively is bringing you down. It's been a rough year for many. Sometimes I wish I could take their pain away, but I think I've paid that toll 100 times over. I have no one to apologize to. I have nothing to say sorry for. I have no remorse; aside for a handful of solid, good people from my past that I just didn't do my best with. Such is life. I've moved forward and they have as well. I continue to write on my Mom's blog. Almost at 100 posts. It gives me some peace and some solace. It makes me realize how special she was; not that she didn't know how much I loved her while she was here. I am happy that she cherished me as much as I did her.
If you're reading this, I hope you are well. I hope your heart is calm and at peace. I hope you are fed. I hope you are thirsty for knowledge, but paralleled with a passion for nature and mankind. I hope you are not always conflicted and if you are, you find daily resolve. While none of us are making it out of here alive, we do have this life to live still and we want to smile when we can, cry when we feel we need to cry and laugh...laugh and close your eyes....remembering someone who can no longer laugh, but who longs to live on inside of your heart.
We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon. - FDR
Haven't been posting here much. Going through a very difficult time with my mom. Been writing a lot in a website I created for her. I hope you are all well. If you get the chance, tell your loved ones....you love them. Make that extra call. Stop by. Give them a longer hug. It will matter to them. It will matter to you. It will matter forever. Believe me.