The Darkness

The clapping stopped. The laughter ceased. The people went home with their loved ones. The seats were empty. The curtain closed. The people around you left or moved on. You look to your left and right and up and down and there is no one there. There is nothing under you. The lights dimmed and it’s getting darker. You realize you’re alone. In your mind, you are not alone. You have memories of being surrounded by loved ones and care. Those memories start to dim as well. You are left to wander alone blindly in this darkness of the unknown. It creates fear inside of you. Fear of not just the unknown, but losing what was in your past that you cherish and lost. It happened and it’s real, but it’s gone. You are the only one who can light your path in the darkness. As you slowly create a dim light along your new path, reach your hand out for those that are reaching for you. Do so with apprehension of their intent and some trepidation of their goals; they might not be on the same path as you and that’s natural. Let the light illuminate your heart. Love yourself again. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, I am the light in my darkness. 

Carry Me

If you told me this is where I would be, at this point in life, I would probably not believe you. Not because of all the great stuff I experienced, but rather so much pain I made it through. Really the pain I see in others who have gone through similar experiences. If you told me I would have to watch them suffer, I probably would’ve been so sad and wondered why things happened the way they did. If you told me, “oh, that’s life Bobby…” I would say, yeah, I wanted more time; not a lifetime, but more time. If you told me how grateful I can be, on a quiet Wednesday morning, alone in my place, I wouldn’t believe you. Gratitude wasn’t a thing from 0-30 really. It was shaped as things eroded. It was there, but hidden in a hard shell of survival….instead of reflection. If you told me I would have a before and after in life; well that I would probably believe. Like one of my favorite Foo Fighters song, “I’m getting tired of starting again, somewhere new…” This life, the hard, the struggle, the survival, the growth of gratitude and the blindness of criticism….let it empower you…there’s a reason sporting events have timeouts, halftimes, ends of innings…everything that happens, ends, everything that happens, begins. Face the sun with strength and pride and when there is no strength, go inside your heart and remember when your most special person carried strength in their heart for you….and smile…cause they never even told you how much they were carrying for you…because they knew, one day, you’d be carrying it for someone you love. 

Bob

Reframe

The silver lining is that the most important version of her isn't stored on a piece of glossy paper or a hard drive anyway. It’s hardwired into the way you remember how she made you feel when you were running on empty, and the grace she gave you.

Sometimes, the lack of photos means your mind gets to hold onto the memory in its purest form—just the feeling of it, unattached to an image.

Done

I’ve done a lot of shit in my life. You know what? I haven’t done it with you and that’s what I want. I want you next to me on this journey of life. You are what makes it complete. You are what makes it love. You are what gets into my soul, to where, if you’re not there, it is not a complete moment. You are what’s missing. 

DM

You gave me

Hope. Laughs. Confidence. An inviting smile. A blush. A new outlook. Honesty. Real. Comfort. Friendly. Happy. Excited. Curious. 

Sometimes all a person needs is someone to talk to about life. It’s special when you connect with a perfect stranger you meet by pure chance who opens their heart and mind to listen and interact. You don’t know how much you helped me that night.

It past...

I can't change the past. I can't apologize for it again. I can't celebrate it again. The past, often linked with regret of wrongs, is set in stone. We dwell sometimes in those past moments. More so if you're in a dark place of wondering where things went off course, where they went right, where you would be had you not made the wrongs. Granted, there are many happy moments from the past. Time is flying by. One day you're 25, the next 45, next 65....as you move forward, you forget the wrongs, heck, you may forget the rights, you want to remember the good moments, the special times, those private struggles you got through, and those times when you couldn't see the silver lining...only to be here today....knowing there was a lesson in that time. Here's a toast to the past....still the best teacher in the history of man.

"Never regret your past. Rather, embrace it as the teacher that it is." Robin Sharma

Barbarian Days - Basso Profundo Pg. 402 by William Finnegan

At Tony's suggestion, we did not stay in Jardim, but up the mountain, at an inn in a seventeenth-century quinta. The inn had a small pool that looked out on the ocean. Mollie, almost two, called the ocean "big pool" Driving down into Jardim with a board on my car, I felt people turning away from me in the praça. I imagined they were ashamed. Or maybe they just hated surfers now.

The devastation along the shoreline was hard to comprehend, even while standing beside it. I had said it would be impossible to build a walk-way, but that was because I lacked imagination. Vast quantities of rock and dirt had been trucked in and dumped along the waterfront, right around the headland. The job was not complete, but it was already clear that, with enough landfill, they could build an eight-lane freeway along the coast if they chose. Huge yellow earthmovers were roaring back and forth on the landfill, which was not yet paved. In a plume extending from Jardim, the ocean was milky brown with mud. And between the half-built roadway and the water was the most hideous seawall I had ever seen-featureless and yet painful to the eyes. The blocks looked like thousands of angrily discarded coffins. This was the new shoreline. Brown wavelets lapped against the blocks.

Untethered Soul Pg. 179 - The Loving Word of God

 Think about it. It wouldn't even cross your mind to hold back. You would give anything and everything for your beloved. When you feel love this deeply, you feel that it is coming from something greater than you. It is transcendental love. It is divine, unconditional, selfless love. The masters spoke of that love. The ones who went beyond said it's the state you attain when you drift into Spirit. That is how Spirit looks upon its creation. That is what you should be taught. No matter what you do, and no matter what you've done, you will always be loved by Him.

When Christ told the story of the prodigal son to his disciples, he spoke of one son who had gone away and squandered all his wealth. Yet when he came home for help, his father treated him better than the son who had stayed home and worked. Christ explained that this was because one son had always been home, but the prodigal son had been lost, and the father had missed him. There was no judging—only loving (Luke

15:11-32).

Christ also said, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone..." (John 8:7). What did he teach? What did he say? How did he look upon this world? He taught completely selfless, compassionate love.

He hung on the cross next to thieves and robbers, and when a thief asked to be remembered, Christ said that he would share that day in heaven with him (Luke 23:39-43). What were his first words upon the cross? "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). That is the love of a mother. That's how a mother talks about her child. The level of love and compassion is so deep that the child can do no wrong. If a mother can attain to selfless love, then what about God, the creator of love?

Do you want to know how God looks upon this world? Do you want to know how He feels about different kinds of people? Then look at the sun. Does the sun shine more brightly on a saint than on anyone else? Is the air more available to the saint? Does the rain fall on one neighbor's trees more than another's?

You can turn your eyes from the sun's light and live in darkness for a hundred years. If you then turn them toward the light, the light is still there. It is there for you just the same as for the person who has enjoyed its brilliance for a hundred years. All of nature is like this. The fruit on the tree willingly gives itself to everyone. Do any of the forces of nature

Some days

Some days, the darkness just takes over. It may be the result of things you did or did not do days before. Some days, you’re just at your breaking point. Some days, you may wonder what is the point of all of this? You don’t manage much but you manage. Creating an illusion, albeit only to you, that you’re ok. Some days, if you manage to just get through the day and get one minuscule thing done, that’s a success. Even if you were the only person who knew you did it. I wasn’t having a great last two days. I had to get to the market to get some things. Typically in and out. I walked down the aisle and a woman, on the shorter side, asked if I could reach up and see if that sauce she was looking to buy said “mild”….when I grabbed it and showed her it did, she said “oh great…thank you so much…didn’t mean to bother you but I didn’t want to knock anything over.” She had no idea she made my day just because she asked me to help her and I was able to do so. We as human beings need to talk, rely on each other, show kindness, show others we may be walking through a darkness they do not see, we can still be there for them. There is light folks. 

"Fate whispers to the warrior, 'You cannot withstand the storm.' The warrior whispers back, 'I am the storm.'"

Lend me a hand

Don't compare and say "why don't I have that?" The guy or girl on the side you're looking at is probably asking, "man, I wish I could just do that...or go there..."

Don't worry about what you don't have. If you have a safe home, food in your fridge, and a warm bed to sleep, your wealthier than many all over the world. Be grateful. 

Don't judge.....you're not perfect. You never will be. The mistakes people make, the regret, the hangups, look where they came from. Look at how their start was just so much different than theirs. Don't judge. You have no idea what many people are dealing with or how far they've come just to be present that day. 

Don't keep lamenting over what didn't go right. Also don't gloat over things that didn't go right for other people. Cheer people on. Support them. When they are down, don't smile. That's what the Devil does. 

You are not perfect and making mistakes.....will happen for the rest of your life. It will happen whether you want it to or not. Don't look at the Facebook picture of the perfect couple. That's bullshit. Don't look at the picture of the perfect man or woman, they do not exist. God has mercy for those that have flaws and work every day to overcome them. 

Struggles happen to everyone. The hardest struggles are usually the ones we never see. They're hidden, in the corner, the dark room, the dark mind, the dark addiction, the bright shining light they portray living in a falsehood of a life that they aren't even sure they're in....they just do. 

There is a good chance, the way we live, how we live, the people around us, they'll be there until we pass. Remember to cheer on those who are down, but not lest we forget, to cheer on those who appear to have no shortcomings, as they may be hiding in plain site. 

Forgive your political affiliations, religions, anger, control, power, hate....to help those who have helped you. I do not say open your hand to anyone; the world is a savage place sometimes. Use sound judgment from your heart and your mind and what you have experienced to make your best decisions. Do not follow a mass, but rather see the logic and a rationale behind decisions that impact you. 

Doing good can be done from your heart, your thoughts, your silent voice.....it can be done by your actions, your prescence, your being, your commitment to your beliefs. 

Philippians 3:13-14 "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Proverbs 16:24 – "Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

I see you.

I still see you. I can close my eyes and see you. I can see those moments when it was only the two of us. I can see us in the middle of that crowd. I can see us at the place we loved being. Time changes people. It can’t change the memories that were created. You popped into a dream last night and it was a pleasant surprise because it was totally unexpected. I actually smiled. Only because it was so private. 

Two people move on, separate lives, distant for so long…..brought together in a dream sequence that only the subconscious can create….ironically, something we have zero control of. The mind is such a funny place. My mind has changed so much over the years, but don’t we all. The good times are the ones I will choose to remember fondly. Who wants to remember the bad ending to a movie? Hahahah

The First Amendment...for the people in the back that have soft feelings.

The First Amendment protects fundamental American freedoms, stating that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Essentially, it guarantees freedom of religion, speech, the press, peaceful assembly, and the right to petition the government. 

Escape Inside

I had traveled all those miles, across so many boundaries and lines. You thought you were far away, but you were right beside me, on the loneliest flights and quiet cab rides through city streets. I always went back to those times at sea and the rocks along the coast…..it was my home when I was often homeless or in the sky. Imagine how much wind it took to push me 100,000 miles?

If

If you don’t stop looking into your past, you’re going to miss out on your future. 

Bob

Untethered Soul - Contemplating Death - Pg 158

Take a moment to look at the things you think you need. Look at how much time and energy you put into various activities. Imagine if you knew you were going to die within a week or a month. How would that change things? How would your priorities change? How would your thoughts change? Think honestly about what you would do with your last week. What a wonderful thought to contemplate. Then ponder this ques-tion: If that's really what you would do with your last week, what are you doing with the rest of your time? Wasting it? Throwing it away? Treating it like it's not something precious? What are you doing with life? That is what death asks you.

Let's say you're living life without the thought of death, and the Angel of Death comes to you and says, "Come, it's time to go." You say,

"But no. You're supposed to give me a warning so I can decide what I want to do with my last week. I'm supposed to get one more week." Do you know what Death will say to you? He'll say, "My God! I gave you fifty-two weeks this past year alone. And look at all the other weeks I've given you.Why would you need one more? What did you do with all those?" If asked that, what are you going to say? How will you answer? "I wasn't paying attention... I didn't think it mattered." That's a pretty amazing thing to say about your life.

Death is a great teacher. But who lives with that level of awareness?

Whoever you are, wherever you are....tell someone that you love...that you love them.

I can't say this any more clear than I am typing it. Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you're sorry. Accept an apology. Mend the broken fence. Open the door. Drive to see them. Hug them. Look them in the eyes and say, you love them. If they're alive, tell them how much you care. It will do as much for you  as it will them. Get that coldness out of your heart. It will always be a waste of time. Go towards those you cherish. Hold their hand. Make them smile. Smile. Say I love you. Say I care about what you think and feel. Relive old memories. You will not feel better about holding that grudge, you will not feel better about standing your ground....believe me. In the end, you will see that you have wasted time being angry, upset and doing nothing. Don't. Let go. Let in. Let bygones be bygones. 

We only have this one life. One god damn life. When you're dead, you think you will give AF about how "strong" you were to stand your ground? No. We have this one life. We have this one life. We have this one life. Say it with me. 

I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry if I ever made you sad. I'm sorry if I was not the person you thought I was. I made mistakes. I wish I could've been better. I care about you. I hope you're good. I hope you're thriving. I hope people love you. I hope you love someone. 

Wherever you are. I love you.

Bob

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Untethered Soul - Chapter 17 Contemplating Death

It is not really that I ever would seek death out. I was scared of me personally dying when I was young, like in my teen years. I definitely wouldn't have chosen the path I walked on dealing with death at ages I don't really believe people should have to deal with it. Especially 16. You also shouldn't have to lose close friends as early as late 20's and 30's. Alas, tough times hit my family in a profound way the last 10 years. It's one thing to lose someone who wasn't a real integral part of your adult life. The last 10 years, my family, we've been through the ringer. People can say this or that about life. I have been through just about all of it. The parts I haven't been through, mostly cause I was dealing with helping someone survive through pain/abuse/situations or I was dealing with my own trauma from that stuff. In the last 10 years, we lost my grandfather, then his first born, my mom at 61, her sister around the same age, who was my backboard for all things back to my mom, my grandfather on my dad's side, a guy who always made me feel like I was telling him something new even though he had been around the world twice with the Navy in the Korean War and lived more than many men through so much and then my other aunt at 63, a person who loved and helped so many, and then my father. There is no escaping we will all die. And yes, some can say this or that about being fortunate that we had these people; I mean, for good people who loved us, of course we are fortunate. No one is thankful that they had an asshole in their life. ha. I just happened to have my podcasts lined up and the recent one was our relationship with death. This podcast just happened to coincide with my morning reading.....a new chapter....one that I wasnt expecting. I have been reading this book and like 9 others over the past 5 years and I sure didn't expect this chapter...This was the first page and it sure did draw me in. 

Bob

CHAPTER 17

Contemplating death

It is truly a great cosmic paradox that one of the best teachers in all of _ life turns out to be death. No person or situation could ever teach you as much as death has to teach you. While someone could tell you that you are not your body, death shows you. While someone could remind you of the insignificance of the things that you cling to, death takes them all away in a second. While people can teach you that men and women of all races are equal and that there is no difference between the rich and the poor, death instantly makes us all the same.

The question is, are you going to wait until that last moment to let death be your teacher? The mere possibility of death has the power to teach us at any moment. A wise person realizes that at any moment they may breathe out, and the breath may not come back in. It could happen any time, in any place, and your last breath is gone. You have to learn from this. A wise being completely and totally embraces the reality, the inevitability, and the unpredictability of death.

Any time you're having trouble with something, think of death.

Two of my favorites...in Mom Mom's kitchen in Darby...during Christmas. We had love, we had joy. That is for sure. I am so grateful these two women were part of my journey. In my heart I continuet to carry their memories....and their huge, loving personalities. 

Untethered soul - The Spiritual Path of Nonresistance pg 155

The key is to just relax and release, and deal only with what's left in front of you. You do not need to worry about the rest. If you relax and release, you will see that it puts you through tremendous spiritual growth.

You'll start to feel an enormous amount of energy awaken inside of you.

You will feel much more love than you've ever felt before. You will feel more peace and contentment, and eventually nothing will ever disturb you again.

You truly can reach a state in which you never have any more stress, tension, or problems for the rest of your life. You just have to realize that life is giving you a gift, and that gift is the flow of events that takes place between your birth and your death. These events are exciting, challenging, and create tremendous growth. To comfortably handle this flow of life, your heart and mind must be open and expansive enough to encompass reality. The only reason they're not is because you resist. Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like the stepping-stones of your spiritual journey.

Vivid White

Again, I have no control over what is coming when I fall asleep...

A memory locked so far down, the reboot could not be self inflicted. It was all of minutes that this happened in our lives, yet the memory stands alone in my mind. Two people standing still amongst strangers passing us by in life. Winter’s cold, yet our warmth and love is apparent. I saw you coming about 100 feet before we met there. Standing still, faces touching. Even in the dream your winter hat is visible, snow falling, a quick private kiss and I love you and eyes closing. There is no one else in the world right now. 

The vivid white of falling snow and winter’s warmth….there is no darkness even though the sun has not yet risen. 

I awoke, grateful and smiling.