UsefulHappy-ness

Rain falling down. Wetting the soil. Overflowing waterways. Helping things grow. Quieting down the seas. I had this belief I would always be useful. I had this belief I might have a chance at eternal happiness. I now believe that both are kind of intermittent. They occur and then they don't. You have a lull, you become dull. You aren't useless, you're just not being used. You're not always going to be happy, but sometimes it's the chance you might be happy. I wonder a lot. I wonder what truly will make me happy and whether or not I am supposed to be "happiest" or if this threshold is enough. It's been a long time since I thought about the happiest time in my life. I did have that moment today. Shopping for the cards to hold the gift cards. She was looking at cards, she laughed and then spoke, "these cards...they're so stupid....(giggles).." It had been a long time since I talked to a pretty stranger. In a few seconds, I "woke" up out of my weekly work of boredom daze to look at her. Her hair, her face, her cut jeans....and our quest for cards to make someone happy....to make us feel useful. She walked out, I stared. Usually I would get back to my car and regret not asking her more. This time I just smiled and enjoyed a moment between two strangers and maybe, an awakening of sorts. 

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I stumbled on a great article on Happiness and Usefulness...by Darius Foroux... I subscribe to his work. Most times I am playing catch up on his articles, but the ones from yesterday are relevant today and tomorrow. Check it out.

The Purpose Of Life Is Not Happiness: It’s Usefulness

https://dariusforoux.com/happiness-usefulness/ 

to the surface

I wasn't ready. Who would ever be ready? I can't go deep into this abyss right now. I have been at the bottom looking up forever since Mom passed away. Part of me thinks you're swimming together in the bright, hot sun. Part of me is in the dark, deep, bottom of the ocean; it can be cold and lonely here. I continue to look up, hoping you will swim down and pull me out of it. Alas, I am still here....surrounded by darkness. I can't go deeper into the abyss...I am at the bottom of it already. I search for you, I search for the light that is so far away. I search for you, for her, for life. I will miss you dear aunt. You saved me from the abyss that was left when she passed. Now who will save me? I have come to the conclusion no one ever will and I am on this journey alone. I will look for you when I swim for the light.

“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will” – Chuck Palahniuk

walk with me

I pray for you to make it through the storm. As the violent rain and breaking lightning pound the wall of my building, I enjoy it. I enjoy being in the middle of it because I know it will not last forever and when it is over, I will still be here...as you will be. I don't know what you're going through, but I know what I am and we are in this storm together, fighting, clawing, swimming, treading, and surviving...together. Grab my hand strong, as strength together is more than just the strength of on. And the joy of dual survival is greater than just the joy of surviving alone. Walk with me. 

broken arrow

I need to keep saying this to myself...as I wander through these difficult times....I wrote...so shit, I should say it.

Very good point. The older I get, the more I look at "failures" as "learning experiences". Yes, we sometimes fall into bad circumstances or are in a bad environment, but we can work our way out of it. Granted, if you see things you can change or can't change right way, all the better. Some are harder than others. We can change our outlook and hopefully change our lives.

I know you're reading out there. I think of you. I know you. You are cared for. You'll get through it...and be a better, stronger, more caring person for it. Don't let them keep you down. Don't let them make you believe their way is the right way. Don't let their actions be your actions. Don't let their dark hearts dim your light heart. Sway into the light and let it guide your path. 

 “An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great.” – Unknown

Situation of change

When I was younger I was one of those people who made the best out of a bad situation. I would try and just “hack” it. I think at a young age, I would be quiet and just try and hope things would get better. As an adult, you realize there are lots of good and bad situations. The bad situations have phases. Not good, bad, terrible, miserable, run for the fuckin hills. Like younger me, I hope for the best when a situation is going through the phases. Older me came to a conclusion. There are just some situations in life that no matter what you do, the only way you’re changing the situation is by removing yourself from the equation. All phases of these bad situations can really wear your mental and psychological state down. They can engulf your mind. To the point you’re not motivated to change. Like the Devil you know isn’t as bad as the devil you don’t. I think part of me got so used to a bad situation, I just thought it was my destiny to be in it. You see people who are in good and positive situations and your goal is to get there. The actors in your bad situation seem to thrive in that situation cause they don’t know what a good situation is and really, they know they’re not really invested in the outcome or good situations don’t want or need them. You can move on from anything in this life. And while some will say “live and learn” and “lesson learned”, there is a debt called time that we pay. That debt is important because time can never be repaid and sometimes assholes love wasting other people’s time. Having hope is fine. Hoping for a miracle or an act of God, well, hopeless. Go to where you are supported and enabled to be happy. It will be worth it. Your head and your heart will be thankful. 

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” Albert Einstein

My friend Jimmy

Just saw some pics of you. Remembering simpler times. Really just remembering all those cold nites at the cage. Before life really got in the way and we “grew up”. Man. We sure did play a lot of hockey. I am SO thankful you took me under your wing and always looked out for me and never ever treated me like some outsider. I may have been few years younger, I just kept my mouth shut and played with you, Trav, Buck, and everyone else. I learned how to stick handle watching you. Learned how to be quick and nimble cause we were both skinny and fast. We would play until we literally had nothing left in our bodies. I hated going up the hill after the game. It was like Mt Everest. I was in 8th and 9th grade and mom always let me go with you guys and she would alwyas have a smile when I came home. Worn out, blistered, bruised, but most of all…..happy. Maybe I would have an assist or even a goal and that would make my week. I never understood how we even all connected to start those constant strings of games. Remember us upgrading  our skates (Micron), our sticks (from Mylec to Titans and other brands). Remember trying to get our hands on faster ball bearings and cooler rubber wheels. We grew up. The games became fewer. The memories stayed. Every time I would stop by the Delms, I would always make sure to connect with you and a few jabs here and there that only few will get. A “I’m gonna carve you up Rackie” or a “nothing like tea with Miss McGill.” It gives me chills to say those things. I remember calling you “Deaner” a few times. Man did we love hockey. I am so happy I have those memories. They came on the heels of the Flyers losing to that great Oilers team. I never stopped loving hockey. Mostly cause of you, Trav and Buck. I keep this memory in my head. Me leaving the cage first. All of you just going to sit down and do what the “old heads” do after games. My memory is waking through the opening of the fenced in cage and climbing the hill. Part of me looks back to see your face and that great Jimbo glance. It tells me, “we’re good. We’re family. We’ll be here forever.” I’m so happy our skates crossed paths. I am forever a better man for having you as part of my journey. And really, we’ll all end up, in that cage, on a cold night, playing our hearts out. At least now I’m of age and can enjoy some post game Coors Lights. I’m gonna cheers to you today. We’ll lace the skates up again brother.

“Prepare to grow through pain.” - Herb Brooks

Are we human?

Quick one. I sometimes realize I am human. Having a chronic disease, well, that will really make you feel human. Burying loved ones....definitely make you even more human. By being human, we try our hardest to do right. Sometimes with the best of intentions. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we fail our friends or family, our spouses, our significant others....and some times, we fail ourselves. Remember, your feelings and thoughts matter. I am not perfect in the slightest. I can be honest that I have been outright mean or nasty or unforgiving,. I realize that this was never the right thing to do, but I am human. I make mistakes. I fck up. I hurt people. It's all cyclical. If you go through life without ever hurting someone than you're either perfect or you've never loved or felt so strongly in your life that you did things, that at the time, seemed normal in your imperfect mind. I am sure you are probably forgiven. I hope you can forgive yourself. It is a process for me. The "target" leaves our lives....we leave theirs. We move on, but that hurt can still be stamped on our hearts and minds. Sometimes closure does it.....but sometimes, you come back and think, "why did they hurt me so much?" "why did they treat me like that?" Therein lies the quest for the answers in life. Sometimes I would love to get the people I hurt in one room and allow them to tell me how what I did hurt them....Then again I might not even make it out alive, but I think as we age, we grow, we see that hurt is fleeting and you just have to let it go to be truly free. Have I let the hurt I caused or received go? Not all of it, but I can smile today. I think that says a lot. I can laugh at anyone that hurt me. I would never guess I would've done some of the things I have done in life and even the most simplistic things, I get joy out of. I know I can go any time and I damn sure ain't gonna leave this planet in a bad mood. I would like to ride a wave of peace and happiness. If you read this and were hurt by someone, SMILE (you're smiling aren't you?....come on....you are...I see you)...you made it this far. God damnit I love you! Bob

It often requires more courage to dare to do right than to fear to do wrong. – Abraham Lincoln

One of my favorite mixes... Are we human - The Killers (Ferry Corsten Club Mix)