Retreat

That moment where you stand still in place or are laying down where you feel most comfortable and safe. It's where you need to be or where you have gone to be alone. Needing space, needing quiet, needing time. You can still hear the most subtle of sounds outside but it can be the loudest inside your head or inside your heart. Those are the places where the most silent of screams and cries are not heard, but they are most surely felt. Not a person can hear or see them, but they are present. It is at that moment you retreat to your quiet place to exclude yourself from time passing to a state of time standing still. The room does not change and the consistency provides you with a sense of comfort; a sense of home. It may not be what is physically in this place but rather what you imagined is there. A person that has since left your side, a lost loved one who has moved on from their existence, a place where you shared a time of joy, a time of love, a time of laughter. It is in those times that we pass through in our head. Like notes on bars, we travel through melodically only able to feel and see but time plays on like the song. You must remember these special places and keep them close as they will help you survive with the memory of the love you have and that place you hold close inside.


The fatal metaphor of progress, which means leaving things behind us, has utterly obscured the real idea of growth, which means leaving things inside us. -G. K. Chesterton

change-up

That moment when you wake up, early, knowing that change needs to happen. You realize that it is the only path to you being satisfied and content. You know that the path will not be easy and it may not be short, but the result will be worth it. You realize that those who have rejected your desire to change or your ideas to change are either scared of the success of your change or ashamed that they are stagnant and not willing to change and misery loves company. Change is scary, but a future of doing the same thing with the same results is just as scary, if not scarier. Change will take work. Lots of work. You will need to spend more time to think about the change, measure the impacts, think out the process of change, actually decide to take action and change and then moderating the ripple effects of the change. Many who are just followers or who just like things to always be "routine" or "familiar" are going to have a negative outlook on change. This is to be expected as they realize they never had the guts to change or that their path suits them just fine. Many times there will be people who object group change. Individual change, regardless of impacts, should be applauded as it is usually a step towards personal growth and an awakening. Usually change does not just happen one day. Usually change is brought on by days/weeks/months/years of negative experiences and negative outcomes, by negative results and minimum positive reactions, lack of desire, but also lack of interest, loss of respect, and interest in the unknown. Change is inside all of us. I believe that we try to hang on until we are forced to change. Sometimes we are not so fortunate and change has to be decided at the exact point in time that change is needed. Change is an awakening of the spirit and human energy. In order to survive in this world, we must adapt, we must change, we must embrace change, we must promote change. If we do not change and adapt, we are not growing.

When you're finished changing, you're finished. - Benjamin Franklin

Goodbye Pop Pop

I’ve been trying to think of a way to word this and speak my mind, so here it goes. Our immediate and extended family recently lost one of our truly great men. My grandfather, Joseph Francis Kenney was the true embodiment of family and at 83 years old, he was my best friend. He was the oldest of four and the last surviving member of his siblings. It’s ironic because I think his sole purpose on Earth was to be a father of four great kids, one being my great mother Patricia. I lived with him for 4 years after my grandmother passed; some of the best years of my life. My close family and friends know that much of my spare time was spent with him just driving around Delco and The Shore, having a simple meal anywhere we could find a booth and talk (Dino’s in Seaville, Denny’s on “The Golden Mile”, and countless conversations about all things Philly and life. The guy loved the simple life. All he ever wanted was a friend to talk to or someone to “shoot the shit” with. He taught me so much about our past. What it was like when JFK was shot, where he was when we landed on the moon, the Catholic Church, and all things in between. Nothing was off the table. 

Told me about the PTC, growing up on 52^nd and Stewart St in West Philly, his trips with my mom-mom to Niagara Falls, Florida, and their last Las Vegas, what his “Pappy” was like who had a shot and smoke once a day until he died at 98 (with all his hair he would always add), what The Shore was like before anyone lived there, and how he always wondered about how much concrete it took to build the Manayunk Bridge. Always had a good one-liner. I would be heading out to the gym and he’d say, “Tell Jim I said hi..” Or I’d say, “Take it easy…” He’d reply, “I’ll take it any way I can get it..” Always the ladies man. I usually delete voicemails and recently found tons of his funny messages on my work iPhone. Struck Gold. He fought the good fight the past 8 months. His selflessness expressed even as his body was failing him, he just wanted to get out of the hospital and back down The Shore to have some fun with his kids and grandchildren. He lost the ability to eat on his own early on and I promised him every visit we’d go for Leo’s cheesesteaks and two cold beers. When he lost the ability to speak, I started to learn how to lip read fairly well and he’d tell me how he wanted to leave the hospital so we could get in a two man paddle boat and he would even do the paddle motions and throw out a line from his hospital bed. 

I know many of my friends and family have lost loved ones near and dear to their heart. I wanted to write something so I’ll never forget him. When it all comes down to it, in the end, all we have is our friends and our family and that special bond will stay inside of us forever. I hope that everyone is lucky enough to have someone like my grandfather in their life. I was so fortunate to have him around for 36 years…and someday we’ll get to go fishing again.

Bob

passerby

The older I get, the more I learn about dealing with loss. Loss can be defined in so many ways. The loss of a loved one or a friend or mentor. The loss of a relationship with a significant other or close friend. The loss of the person you were 5, 10, 15 years ago. The loss of the drive to do the right thing or right wrongs in your life or others. I have dealt with some great losses in the last 3 years. The passing of seven close friends and family members. Each one a bit different, but all just as important as the other. I think of all of those situations and remember how each one of those losses really changed my thoughts on life and relationships. Those thoughts that hit you the moment you've learned of a loved one passing. Like all the memories you shared with them come splashing into your face with such a vibrant and warm wave. I like to think about that way because it leaves content in knowing of all the time they had on Earth, I was able to spend some time with them. I definitely have learned to cherish more relationships the last few years. It's not always a matter of how much time you spend with someone, but rather your conveyance of love and support that they know they can rely on. Those difficult moments in life when you know that a person is truly open to helping and caring for you. None of us is perfect, but I've definitely learned a lot more about unconditional love in regards to family and relationships. That moment in your mind when you think of a person and realize that your life just would not be complete without. I try and take more time telling people that I am really happy they are doing well, making their lives great, creating families, growing their list of friends, or just trying to get by with a little hard work and desire and love in their hearts. Sometimes we ourselves yearn to be a person we were some time ago. Sometimes we're just trying to be a better version of the person we were yesterday. In any case, hold on to life and those relationships you cherish. A memory is still a memory regardless if it's 15 minutes or 15 days long. I am so thankful for those I have passed through life with, but I am also excited about those I will go through the future with. Whoever it is you may have on your mind, a parent, a friend, a wife, a husband, a sibling, or someone that impacted your life in a positive way...reach out to them. Say I love you. In the old days, a man appeared weak for saying that to the people he cared for. I try and say it as often as I can these days as you really never truly know if you will see that person again and it's just a great feeling for them to know they are loved by someone.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that new world is born. - Anais Nin

Chime in

I hate smartphones and social media. They're like water droppers in a hamster cage. We've become so preoccupied with the actions or lack thereof from "important" people in our lives that we stop living for ourselves and the people and times we really want to have in our life. We start worrying about what we think we should care about and not what really care about. I'd give up so much to get so much more out of the relationships that mean the most to me. They fade, dissipate and we are left wondering what's next? What should I put my energy into next? What do I really want to do and who do I want to bring with me on this next adventure? So much more to life than some can see.


Sent from my iPhone

window out

All this snow on the East Coast this week. I read a post from a friend that made a lot of sense. Maybe this is God's way to keep us in, close to our loved ones, close to family, or maybe even just alone to enjoy some time. Slow the process, slow life down to these moments looking out at nature's wrath and realizing the futility of mankind. We are such small pieces in this world and in the universe. A snow storm, to help us realize that we can soon be incapacitated. For families, a time to enjoy your loved ones and talk or play games. A good meal, a warm blanket, a good movie. Moments that can't be recreated or duplicated. It's this day, this week in time, the snow storm of February 2014. Enjoy it, enjoy them, enjoy the view from inside.

And meanwhile in France....

listen

Sometimes we can fall into a state of reminisce with such a simple subtlety that you fall into that moment that seems timeless or that time is in fact standing still. You might be physically and mentally frozen in a state of capture. Minutes or hours may pass and you spend a few moments shaking your head or experiencing the chills of happiness, sadness, or just wonderment.

I think music is a great medium that extracts that feeling out of us. You hear a song and you can sit and stare or you are in a state of tranced movement where the colors are a blur of sounds, music, friends, lights, and energy. Today I sat and listened and thought about what the music meant to me at the time I first heard it. I thought about the song and who first suggested I listen to it. I think we have those moments. You may or may not know what I’m talking about, but surely if you have ears and can hear, you can identify with the feeling. As the song plays you run through a kaleidoscope of memories, so fast you may wish that you could replay it again and again. Maybe on a big screen. Maybe in a private viewing though….

I have a good amount of friends who are into music. Some make their own. Some produce. Some are so talented they have no idea how much I admire them. Some play instruments. Some play on a keyboard. Some of you just like to listen and let the music play you. Maybe wonder where the people you first heard those songs with are at in their lives. Maybe you’re like me and you keep those mental snapshots and music is there. In the background as you were running through your life. If you’re like me, a city dweller, maybe music goes with you everywhere you go.

Today I listened to the words of this song. I heard them and they still resonated as they did the first time I heard it. Still a very powerful song and I’m left asking questions. I’m left with no conclusion, but I am smiling and shaking my head. A grin more like it. I got the message when I heard the song. It was their way of saying sorry without saying sorry. Maybe if you can do just that, play a song that is what you want to say to someone. I guess that’s just the same as saying it, but that song will play again and well, the statement will be timeless. What is ironic that no matter what feelings the song may bring about, you will listen to it, right?

I’m happy the song came on today. The song is still good. Just like the person who first suggested I listen to it. I’ve once been told that I was a bit of a “cold” person. I guess, maybe so in person, but maybe that’s why I am forced to write even if no one ever even reads. I figure if I can write like this than there’s something in there. The song of the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz comes to mind…..but no man is made of metal.

I left a part out.

Where words fail, music speaks.
-Hans Christian Andersen