Situation of change

When I was younger I was one of those people who made the best out of a bad situation. I would try and just “hack” it. I think at a young age, I would be quiet and just try and hope things would get better. As an adult, you realize there are lots of good and bad situations. The bad situations have phases. Not good, bad, terrible, miserable, run for the fuckin hills. Like younger me, I hope for the best when a situation is going through the phases. Older me came to a conclusion. There are just some situations in life that no matter what you do, the only way you’re changing the situation is by removing yourself from the equation. All phases of these bad situations can really wear your mental and psychological state down. They can engulf your mind. To the point you’re not motivated to change. Like the Devil you know isn’t as bad as the devil you don’t. I think part of me got so used to a bad situation, I just thought it was my destiny to be in it. You see people who are in good and positive situations and your goal is to get there. The actors in your bad situation seem to thrive in that situation cause they don’t know what a good situation is and really, they know they’re not really invested in the outcome or good situations don’t want or need them. You can move on from anything in this life. And while some will say “live and learn” and “lesson learned”, there is a debt called time that we pay. That debt is important because time can never be repaid and sometimes assholes love wasting other people’s time. Having hope is fine. Hoping for a miracle or an act of God, well, hopeless. Go to where you are supported and enabled to be happy. It will be worth it. Your head and your heart will be thankful. 

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” Albert Einstein

My friend Jimmy

Just saw some pics of you. Remembering simpler times. Really just remembering all those cold nites at the cage. Before life really got in the way and we “grew up”. Man. We sure did play a lot of hockey. I am SO thankful you took me under your wing and always looked out for me and never ever treated me like some outsider. I may have been few years younger, I just kept my mouth shut and played with you, Trav, Buck, and everyone else. I learned how to stick handle watching you. Learned how to be quick and nimble cause we were both skinny and fast. We would play until we literally had nothing left in our bodies. I hated going up the hill after the game. It was like Mt Everest. I was in 8th and 9th grade and mom always let me go with you guys and she would alwyas have a smile when I came home. Worn out, blistered, bruised, but most of all…..happy. Maybe I would have an assist or even a goal and that would make my week. I never understood how we even all connected to start those constant strings of games. Remember us upgrading  our skates (Micron), our sticks (from Mylec to Titans and other brands). Remember trying to get our hands on faster ball bearings and cooler rubber wheels. We grew up. The games became fewer. The memories stayed. Every time I would stop by the Delms, I would always make sure to connect with you and a few jabs here and there that only few will get. A “I’m gonna carve you up Rackie” or a “nothing like tea with Miss McGill.” It gives me chills to say those things. I remember calling you “Deaner” a few times. Man did we love hockey. I am so happy I have those memories. They came on the heels of the Flyers losing to that great Oilers team. I never stopped loving hockey. Mostly cause of you, Trav and Buck. I keep this memory in my head. Me leaving the cage first. All of you just going to sit down and do what the “old heads” do after games. My memory is waking through the opening of the fenced in cage and climbing the hill. Part of me looks back to see your face and that great Jimbo glance. It tells me, “we’re good. We’re family. We’ll be here forever.” I’m so happy our skates crossed paths. I am forever a better man for having you as part of my journey. And really, we’ll all end up, in that cage, on a cold night, playing our hearts out. At least now I’m of age and can enjoy some post game Coors Lights. I’m gonna cheers to you today. We’ll lace the skates up again brother.

“Prepare to grow through pain.” - Herb Brooks

Are we human?

Quick one. I sometimes realize I am human. Having a chronic disease, well, that will really make you feel human. Burying loved ones....definitely make you even more human. By being human, we try our hardest to do right. Sometimes with the best of intentions. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we fail our friends or family, our spouses, our significant others....and some times, we fail ourselves. Remember, your feelings and thoughts matter. I am not perfect in the slightest. I can be honest that I have been outright mean or nasty or unforgiving,. I realize that this was never the right thing to do, but I am human. I make mistakes. I fck up. I hurt people. It's all cyclical. If you go through life without ever hurting someone than you're either perfect or you've never loved or felt so strongly in your life that you did things, that at the time, seemed normal in your imperfect mind. I am sure you are probably forgiven. I hope you can forgive yourself. It is a process for me. The "target" leaves our lives....we leave theirs. We move on, but that hurt can still be stamped on our hearts and minds. Sometimes closure does it.....but sometimes, you come back and think, "why did they hurt me so much?" "why did they treat me like that?" Therein lies the quest for the answers in life. Sometimes I would love to get the people I hurt in one room and allow them to tell me how what I did hurt them....Then again I might not even make it out alive, but I think as we age, we grow, we see that hurt is fleeting and you just have to let it go to be truly free. Have I let the hurt I caused or received go? Not all of it, but I can smile today. I think that says a lot. I can laugh at anyone that hurt me. I would never guess I would've done some of the things I have done in life and even the most simplistic things, I get joy out of. I know I can go any time and I damn sure ain't gonna leave this planet in a bad mood. I would like to ride a wave of peace and happiness. If you read this and were hurt by someone, SMILE (you're smiling aren't you?....come on....you are...I see you)...you made it this far. God damnit I love you! Bob

It often requires more courage to dare to do right than to fear to do wrong. – Abraham Lincoln

One of my favorite mixes... Are we human - The Killers (Ferry Corsten Club Mix)

Fear

Like many of us, I got complacent, accepted things for the way they were, accepted the bare minimum, accepted mediocrity, accepted lies, and accepted fakes. 

There’s a fear of changing everything you know to get everything you want. 

I’ve let fear of change lead me in life for some time. I don’t know when I became that person, but I let fear take over and control me. I know that I needed to harness it in a way that I could use it as power and motivation. Don’t let people pump fear into you. People who do that are typically ashamed about their own lack of initiative and motivation. Always believe you can do great things for you. Those people who aren’t supportive do not need to be part of your journey. Let them drop off and wallow in pity and self-doubt.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. --Eleanor Roosevelt

Failure

You get into a situation and you see red flags and sometimes even you might be part of the red flag. You may just put them aside or are hopeful they aren’t as bad as they seem. Time goes by; days, weeks, months and sometimes years. Sometimes those red flags don’t manifest, sometimes they do. You might think to yourself, I saw this early on and should’ve took action. You might’ve been hopeful that they would’ve become green. Sometimes life is just like that and maybe that’s where the hard lessons are learned. It makes me hopeful to move forward. We all make bad decisions and time is a valuable commodity but if you can walk away from the bad to get to a good place, then you’re heading in the right direction. 

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas A. Edison

the dream

Sometimes you come to me in my dreams. Sometimes I see folks that have crossed my paths. Sometimes I see what could’ve been. Sometimes I wake up before my dream ends. I think of our past and sometimes wonder if that was a dream. The happiness, it was real. The sadness, it was real. Sometimes I think about what happened what could’ve changed, what could’ve been different…and then I wake up from the dream and remember, the past is gone and all I have is the perception of the past, of the feelings, of the lost, of the gained, of the regret. The time we can’t get back, but we have to keep pushing as long as we are beating…we can still have dreams….they can still come true. 

"Our truest life is when we are dreams awake." Henry David Thoreau

It’s ok to quit.

If you feel under appreciated, under utilized, not motivated, beaten down, underpaid, you can change. Like anyone, I’m human. I’m guilty of staying in bad situations that no longer serve me or are emotional, physically or psychologically damaging. Maybe I stayed out of loyalty. Maybe out of stupidity. Maybe both. I think we all are in some way creatures of habit, but it’s hard to notice the red flags and damage after that routine becomes so engrained. Try and know the truth over the lies. Try to recognize genuine over fake. Remember your time is valuable. It’s valuable to you, your friends, your family, and your significant other. If it doesn’t matter to people you are near, stay away from them. Sometimes folks will want to make themselves seem like the big fish in a small pond as a show of power; that’s not someone you want to be around. You want someone who can be entrusted and engaging with you. Not just pumping their own successes up. There are some people and groups that no matter how much you do, how much better you make things, how much you sacrifice or how much you achieve, they will always push the goal posts back cause that’s how they get rocks off. They have little power outside of that respect so that’s their “fun”. Be around people who prop you up and support your growth instead of being an anchor and weighing you down. It is not called quitting when you leave a situation that no longer serves you. Your self worth and emotional well being are worth more than that. The world is a tough place but you can win when you’re fighting for what’s best for yourself and those you love. Come to the realization that some situations do not deserve you. Believe you’re too good for a bad situation. Believe me, even Hell has a back door.