Standing close. Holding Words.

Again you appear in my dreams….either from me to regret my mistakes or that I can meet someone like you again. In the dream we are back in college and I’m up arguing with a group of guys, one who is into you, and it’s just a bashing of each other and I woke up with my blood boiling and then I just smiled and laughed. I’ve seen you twice in 27 years and I am still happy we met. Happy about that love that was stupid yet valid. I also thanked God. If these are the lessons he will teach me the rest of my life; I am thankful. I don’t need any more of the ones I’ve had to learn from the last 10 years. You’re still number one girl. By a long shot. Ha. 

"In young love, we learn how to be brave, vulnerable, and resilient all at once" — Unknown

The Untethered Soul - The Path of Unconditional Happiness pgs. 145-148

This really just woke me up. Amazing...

If you take on this path of unconditional happiness, you will go through all of the various stages of yoga. You will have to stay conscious, centered, and committed at all times. You will have to stay one-pointed on your commitment to remain open and receptive to life. But nobody said that you can't do this. Staying open is what the great saints and masters taught. They taught that God is joy, God is ecstasy, and God is love. If you remain open enough, waves of uplifting energy will fill your heart.

Spiritual practices are not an end in themselves. They bear fruit when you become deep enough to remain open. If you learn to stay open at all times, great things will happen to you. You simply have to learn not to close.

The key is to learn to keep your mind disciplined enough so that it doesn't trick you into thinking that this time i's worth closing. If you slip, get back up. The minute you slip, the minute you open your mouth, the minute you start to close and defend yourself, get back up. Just pick yourself up and affirm inwardly that you don't want to close, no matter what happens. Affirm that all you want is to be at peace and to appreciate life. You don't want your happiness to be conditional upon the behavior of other people. It's bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other people's behavior, you're in serious trouble. "

Things are going to happen to you, and you're going to feel the tendency to close. But you have the choice to either go with it or let it go. Your mind will tell you that it's not reasonable to stay open when these things happen. But you have limited time left in your life, and what's really not reasonable is to not enjoy life.

If you have trouble remembering that, then meditate. Meditation strengthens your center of consciousness so that you're always aware enough to not allow your heart to close. You remain open by simply letting go and releasing the tendency to close. You just relax your heart when it starts to tighten. You don't have to be outwardly glowing all the time; you're just joyful inside. Instead of complaining, you're just having fun with the different situations that unfold.

Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything. You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life?

The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're

Once you have passed through trial by fire, and you are thoroughly convinced that you will let go no matter what, then the veils of the human mind and heart will fall away. You will stand face-to-face with what is beyond you because there is no longer a need for you. When you are done playing with the temporal and finite, you will open to the eternal and innit. Then the word "happiness" can't describe your state. That's where words like ecstasy, bliss, liberation, Nirvana, and freedom come in. The joy becomes overwhelming, and your cup runneth over.

This is a beautiful path. Be happy.

Road Worrier

 It’s 5:39am. From the open window in my bedroom I can hear the traffic moving down the highway. A cool almost-to-be fall morning. Only about 10 years ago, I would be waiting outside with my luggage for a cab to take to me a train or plane. I was robotic back in those days. Never really knowing my “why”; just that I had to do this or that for customer this or that. While most people my age at that time were getting married and starting families….I was logging miles and miles. About 400 train rides, 100 plane trips, 100’s of cab rides (uber wasn’t around then) and one emergency landing. Hello Fort Wayne, Indiana….I don’t miss you. 

There were literally times during those days I would show up in some city, in some other state, in some rental car, and my customer contact would be like….you probably didn’t even need to be here for this. I would always shake my head, curse to the sky and think of Adam Sandler’s line, “information that would’ve been better if I had it yesterday.” I would meet people from my company. Some just look kinda lost. Some were already living in that city and would be onsite for a minute and go home and do little. Some just treated it like a mini vacation to “get away from the wife and kids”. Some had no family. 

Today it’s amazing to me that that was a way of life. Most people back home, they were working their 40 hours and going home. I was working 40, traveling another 20-40 and trying to have some type of life, some type of relationship, some type of normalcy. I could pack a 3-day carry on in the dark. I learned to get dressed by the light of a phone. My grandpop, bless his heart, he never woke up those 500am mornings when I would get 1-2 hours of sleep and get the Septa to 30th street. The only reason I stayed at his place was to show the guy some love and share a pizza with him Monday night; but boy was I completely exhausted going to DC. I know now what it caused to happen in my body. A cost you cannot return. I have zero doubt. 

Everyone who heard I would travel would say oh that’s so cool. People always think you’re going to these great places. DC isn’t really that special affer your 300th trip. It’s less special when it’s about to snow and all your fed colleagues stay home and you’re 200 miles from home. Normal Illinois….well it’s boring as all hell. The home of State Farm. Chicago…it’s too wild. Newbury, CT….not much. Dothan, Alabama is actually nice to drive through, but the “are you a Yankee?” will make you realize quick….you’re out of place. Along with the gas stations that are half food and gas and then another side for NASCAR and SEC gear. Ok. I geeked for the SEC gear. And those guys at the Southern Powen Nuke plant. They were down home good old boys. Eating dinner off the coast of San Diego near the seals was cool. Those winding streets. The guy who “worked on one of my movies” that stopped me in DC. Well, I still don’t know who he thought I was but that was cool. Driving to the Upper Peninesula in Michigan where the Yoopers live to go to the Toshiba Power plant in Ludington was cool. It was lonely and it was one day but there was a certain peace you just can’t buy up there. The coast is rocky and dangerous but peaceful and sandy. Lake Michigan during a windy winter is as violent as any ocean and I quickly understood how ships got wrecked out there. Bill Smith, lead PM then, nice enough to invite me to dinner with only meeting me once. I told myself I would finish that training in Dothan in one day just so I could drive that trip to Pensacola. All I wanted to do was see the ocean. Pensacola is a sleepy coastal town. It was super chill and I did my class and all of my students invited me out to dinner for stories about coon and squirrel hunting and living off the land as young folks. We laughed a lot. The surprise 400 person “Tony Robbins” show in Normal for tons of State Farm people really caught me off guard but I sure did rock it out and celebrate like a real adult with a DQ Blizzard. Thank God I wasn’t diabetic then!

At 32 to 38, I really didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know what all those miles were doing to me. I wasn’t really aware of the cost it was taking on my mind, body qnd soul. I didn’t realize the investment of travel. I always had some type of book with me but part of me wishes I had read more. More about non work things. I got better with the train. I would have my ear wax and glasses on and sleep so good on the trips south. Planes became like my bed at home. The movie on my tablet on the plane ride home in darkness always one of my favorite memories. It was like my own little movie theater. 

They say people love traveling for all those points. Given my circumstances in that part of my life. I guess those points lead to some good times and memories. They’re not of much value these days but I guess I can say that I was afforded the opportunity to do some cool things. People, well, some, they never knew how exhausted I was. I developed a chronic disease I have zero doubt came from stress and lack of sleep most weeks. Granted I didn’t help myself by coming home and getting wild with people but I had like 2 days to see people in my life and you try to fit a life into that. I guess I got to go and do some cool shit. I definitely have paid a price. Granted I haven’t traveled like that in years. I wouldn’t do it that way again. No frigging way. 

That and hearing the captain of a plane say “folks we need to make an emergency landing…we’ve run out of fuel…” while you’re 25,000ft in the sky will sure make you value your life. I wish people knew how tired and exhausted I was. I tried to put in a smile and act like everything was alright but I was so tired inside. That guy definitely doesn’t exist any more. Life got way more serious and sad the last 10 years; I wish I hadn’t traveled so much those years but I did stay as present as one could be when I was there. I can say this though. Most companies don’t care that you’re traveling to make them money. They’re happy it’s you and not them. It’s a thankless side of that consulting business. Maybe one that isn’t as prevalent now. 

My favorite travel times were usually the ones I knew I would have a break and some time to decompress. The northeast corridor train to Kingston, RI. The occasional plane trip to some warm place or even that trip to Mexico to surprise my family. Trips to Chicago to see my buddy. The train ride north; once you get past NYC…you’re coasting. You’re going past cities and towns that seem like they don’t touch the rest of the world. You can see parts of the ocean. Coming through CT, you’re basically on the ocean…so close you could get out and walk to the water. I always had my backpack, my clothes for the weekend, my book, my thoughts, my exhaustion. 

I’m amazed I even hung in there as long as I did. When I left that role, there was no thanks, no we really appreciate what you did, nothing. I think that’s what hurts. The people who were controlling my trips; they could’ve cared less about how tired I was. Cared less about all that lost time with loved ones. Cared less about my safety. And today I don’t care about them at all. If anything, I regret them being able to do that to me. I really do. Ungrateful soulless drains on society. 

I guess all in all. I got do some cool shit with some cool people in my life those years. I got to see and do things that kid from Folcroft absolutely never thought he would ever do. Coming home to people I love or going to see them; it made it worth it. It made their value in my life so special. I always brought Mom back a magnet from my trips. She got a kick out of that. 

In my next life, the only trips around the sun I really want to make are birthdays. 

Bye Dad....See you on the other side. Keep the fire burning for me.

 First off I want to thank all of you for coming today. We really appreciate it. I wish it was under better circumstances, but alas, here we are. I just wanted to share some thoughts I had over the last 12 months as we watched him battle and fight the good fight. 

#1 

As I was default babysitter, I was default “rig the car to work mechanic”. I cannot even say how many winter nights I held the flash light for him. I was like, “should you be smoking near the gas tank?....Bobby, for Christ’s sake….just hold the damn light…” So I did my job. We’d rig another fix so Mom could get to work. A few weeks would go by and I would forget about it. Typically I had practice and never thought much about it. Until his night shift would end and he would drive by the bus stop in the Caprice Classic, roll the window down in his work clothes and ask me (soph or jr), do you and your friends want a ride to school in this hot rod? I would just say….”dad. Just go home…” ….and he’d laugh….a devilish laugh. 

#2

My dad would drive signs for Alto. I really never had an idea when…but we did two trips. One to Chicago and one to Cinci. They were always done at night. Very dark. I can talk to the Chicago trip. We would be on the road in pure darkness. Can I tell you that being with your dad in a car for 3-4 days is a lot? I was like 12-13. I had just seen Eight Men Out, about Shoeless Joe Jackson and the 1919 White Sox. I was so in awe of ChiTown. So we drove to Chicago. We stopped at every McDonalds to get cheeseburgers. George Harrison’s “I got my mind set on you” played every 100 miles. We got to Wrigley to see A League of their Own being filmed. So on the south side of Chicago, we get to Comiskey Park, built in 1910. They were demolishing it with a wrecking ball. These were the days before the internet, so Philly folks getting news out of Chicago wasn’t happening. I was so sad. I had my hands on the fencing. Bricks of the old park, still with paint on them, scattered everywhere. He said, “reach your hand under and grab one….” So, I did. Sirens go blasting….he says, “well, here they come for you….” I was about to shit my pants….but it had nothing to do with me. That brick and the upper facade piece……are still one of my prized possessions today. George Harrison’s song….always brings me back to that time. 

#3

We can start back at Upland Street. It’s funny, cause it was my Uncle Joe (Kenney), who really asked me the $64,000 question. He said, “Do any of your sisters even know about Upland Street or Lansdowne?” I looked at him and was like, “No, I don’t know…I was like 4-5.” My memories of Upland Street aren’t that vivid, but I do know I was surrounded by family, a caged in yard to ride my big wheel and my first friend “Boo” which my Mom always asked me if I remembered him.

When we got to Folcroft, it was great. Lots of food, movies day and night, cheese and crackers, Lou’s Pizza, Christmas gifts galore, no issues. And then, my four roommates showed up. A nice spacious house, became a house with very clear boundaries. Lisa, Chrissy, Stacey, Kathy. I say it that way for a certain reason to which I cannot divulge. Things got tough. I ate a lot less, I did more wash, got less presents. I became an expert at wash, folding women’s clothes, and the default built-in baby-sitter. Watching 4 young girls when you’re 10 is not easy. I was always jealous of my Fehrle cousins….cause the dynamic, well, it’s as clear as Adam and Eve. I’m convinced child labor laws didn’t exist in the 80’s. I did my best. 1,000lbs of cheesebread, 2,000 hours of Wizard of Oz, may have locked them in their room to just hang out and I really learned what it meant to be a guardian, but also learning to care, love, and be there for my family. A trait that has never left me. Today I realize my mom and dad were also proud I could be that person. 

My bedroom got a key-lock, a peep-hole to see who was knocking, a lock box for my private stuff and really, I was kinda like in a hostel with this “new” family. What I realized later in life, after the 100 calls to Super Fresh from one of the girls saying “Bobby is being mean”...or the time Lisa grabbed a serrated knife and said “I will kill you”, is that, tribes only grow from constant interaction. Even if it’s forced. My cousin Jason and I say that more and more as we both age but also live alone. Community is everything…even your community of siblings. My dad comes from a big family. Our big family at 988 was always special…even if I became a rumor or some mythical creature who was rarely seen. Some of my sister’s friends would meet me later in life and be like, “Wow, never knew they even had a brother…” Later in life, many people would realize I grew up with so many sisters and look at me like I was a POW. I never looked at it like that. Ever. 

I bring all this up….cause the last years since my Mom moved on…I could see that the only thing that would heal my father was family and friends. It’s like you don’t realize how much you appreciate the “struggle of life” until there is no more struggle. That constant busy life at 988 had moved on to other places. Something that happens to all families. We would have Folcroft Pizza parties at 988 but we always longed for more. Of course we wanted my mom. It was hard to not hear her laugh or feel her love close by. We just couldn’t replace her. She was the GOAT. I felt really bad for my dad. I watched him thrive on visitors, but I watched him long for the 988 he knew for so long. My mom, dinner at the table, cheese hoagies for two, her Chinese food order with double shrimp and him getting on her for making a gallon of coffee and drinking 2 cups, and the daily “Bob, where is my….?” it hurt me to know I couldn’t give that to him. Privately I would bring up my Mom, but it was just too hard for him to discuss.

All I can say is that this ride, this roller coaster of life…..it’s way more enjoyable and surprising with a group of riders. I have been so lucky to realize that since our Thanksgivings at Saybrook. Cherish those closest to you. Most of you obviously know how my mom passed away…..cherish every god damn moment you can with your loved ones. I say that now as a man who will forever be Bob and Patti’s first born and only son. Something I take pride in every single day. Two crazy hard working kids who shacked up, made me, raised me, and contributed to my growth as a man and as a human being. Their passion for their family is a passion I will always have. 

One day you wake up and you can’t call them, you can’t hug them, you can’t do anything. It is a feeling I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Time is the richest commodity. 

Eventually all of our trains pull into that last station. Try and do everything you can, while you can with your people. If that means saying sorry, do it. If that means accepting an apology, accept it. If that means changing, change. Even if it’s a call, a text, a quick visit. It will help you as much as it does them. 

Dad, the 988 train was one helluva force to be reckoned with. And I’m grateful I got to be a passenger on a train laying its own tracks. We may have not known our destination, but we enjoyed the ride. I’m sure all four of the girls wanted to toss me on the tracks a few times, but thank God you put that lock on my door. 

Looking directly at me, one of the last things you said to me was ”we sure have been on a long road together. Sometimes it was bumpy, but I’m still your friend right? You’re my first born and my only son…” When you said that, I closed my hands and sat in silence for a second. Part of me felt you had come to a place of peace. Yup dad. I’m still your friend and I’m not gonna stop Uncle Jimmy from calling me Little Dexter any time soon, but I’m done with the “see my thumb” trick.

We sure were going off the rails on a crazy train weren’t we Dad? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Til we meet again. 

Thank you. 

Untethered Soul - The Path to Unconditional Happiness

 Let's say you've been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, bur you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens da door, looks at you and says, "Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you wan something to eat? What would you like?" Now the truth is, you rel don't care what they give you. You don't even want to think about it. Ya you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental prefer-ences. The same goes for the question about happiness. The question in simply "Do you want to be happy?" If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is "Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regard less of what happens?"

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It's not a question of whether. your happiness is under your control. Of course it's under your control.It's just that you don't really mean it when you say you're willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn't happen, or as long as that does happen, then you're willing to be happy.

That's why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren't going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.

You have to give an unconditional answer. If you decide that you're going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will become enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don't have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don't have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist.

Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, someth inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your committment is exactly what stimulates your spiritual growth.

Miss you Florida. I will be back. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II 

The Enchiridion by Epictetus

The Enchiridion by Epictetus, a classic text of Stoicism, starts with this fundamental idea:

“Some things are under our control, while others are not under our control. Under our control are conception, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything that is our own doing; not under our control are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, everything that is not our own doing. Furthermore, the things under our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unimpeded; while the things not under our control are weak, servile, subject to hindrance, and not our own."

Untethered Soul - Letting Go of False Solidity Pg 139 and comments

 "If you take the journey, you will get to the state in which you see exactly how the unfolding moments bring up a sense of fear. From this place of clarity, you will be able to experience the powerful tendency to protet yourself. This tendency exists because you truly have no control, and that is not comfortable to you. But if you really want to break through, you have to be willing to just watch the fear without protecting yourself from it. You must be willing to see that this need to protect yourself is where the entire personality comes from. It was created by building a mental and emotional structure to get away from the sense of fear. You are now standing face-to-face with the root of the psyche...."

After being abroad many times over the years. Seeing rich and poor nations and people, Americans are definitely living in a state of fear. I think the fear comes up from the thought of building a life, getting to that long term vision, then being part of the build (fortress) and then you've built up so much around you, you don't really experience anything cause you've protected yourself for so long. You've become weak cause you control everything in your world. You've become vulnerable to change and you can't adapt. You are in essence controlling what may actually make you grow as a person. Life happens and hurt happens. Americans (and I am one) surround themselves with way artificial ways to make them feel better. Drugs, booze, cars, houses, vacations, clothes, health kicks, drugs to change appearance....etc etc. The thing we aren't usually changing with all that stuff is our inner self. We are doing all these outside things for the here and the now, but our inside is still made of glass and fragile. I realize that more now at 47 than I did 27. Having gone through some serious pain and loss. Unfortunately, I don't think you really know how human and mortal you are until you have suffered in some great way. It might sound dark, but you only know how deep your love is when the thing you love is gone forever. This could be a myriad of things.

There are days when I realize the amount of loss I have gone through can both make me feel invincible and vulnerable; depending on the moment or what is going on in my body. I think both are fine. 

I guess it comes down to, how strong do you really believe you are? Are you totally insulated out of control? Out of your need to not experience hurt? Are you just in your own little world? Or are you using something as a prop or an excuse? Like you are some homesteader who is living on his own land and the weird idea "it's just me and my family"....while a Starbucks light keeps you up at night?

It may take a lifetime to figure you out. 

A question. An answer I didn’t want to hear.

The older I get the more I believe something is behind all of us in all of this. I’m not specifically speaking about God or Allah or what have you. Just something behind this life, our ability to conjure thoughts any time we’d like. I’ve been put through an emotional meat grinder the last few weeks. Summer, where usually everything is great and free and flowing. I can’t go into it all now cause it’s 7:13am EST. You don’t come up in my daily thought process. Why would you? It’s been forever since I last saw you. It’s been a minute since we spoke. There is no reason to. Regardless of the good; there are boundaries and respect. 

I am waking up from a slumber of really not a lot of dreaming but it all became so vivid towards the end. Scary vivid. I can’t remember ever speaking in a dream. I really cannot and I’ve had some bangers. I haven’t seen you in forever but it was the you I last saw that I was looking at. Face to face. I asked you a question that, well, is always relevant regardless of time. A question where the answer can be both good and bad given the circumstances. The funnier thing is we were in some city. A city we never visited. I can see the room and I can see big windows looking out to some architecture only a city would hold. I laughed cause I just thought, that would be the last place I would want to be. Then again, there are places that you would go with that special person where it was never about the place, but all about the person you were with. That much I know. 

I used to travel a lot. I don’t miss those days. I don’t miss being away. Now I am not away, but yet, I have been “gone”. Checked out of life on this other path. People back home never realized while they were putting in 40, I was usually doing 60 or sometimes 80 with all my travel time. The investment of my time was the worst thing I could’ve chosen. It’s the only investment you usually can’t get back. While I have been “gone” to torment and the chaos around me, I have learned what I did wrong and part of me regrets that deeply. I thought, this is what I invested in? This is the trash I kept? Blah. Granted I survived but man I paid that ultimate price. You. Of course, do I think it would’ve worked out regardless? Who knows? A guy can dream. 

What did I ask you in the dream? I asked you if you still loved me. You started to cry, nodded yes and put your head down. I shook my head and nodded and put my head down. 

The dream ended. I woke up smiling. 

I usually always woke up smiling next to you. 

God. Listen.

God, please. I beg you. Do not take any more away from me. I cannot take it. I beg you. You took my mom in 2018. Her sister 2 years later. Now my last aunt on her side. God, you knew better. You did. She deserved a second chance and you know it. You may never forgive me. I will never forgive you. God. Why are you punishing us? This is too much. They all have been taken under 62. God, you never gave them second chances!!! Where is your mercy????? Where is your grace???? I beg of thee. I cannot do this again. Why God? You never gave us any notice. You never gave them any notice. You never gave her kids any notice. I will never forgive you. I don't care if you never forgive me. No one deserved this. I hate you right now. 

Bob

Will you teach me how to ride a bike

Most who read this blog have never met me, have no idea who I am or where I come from. I guess growing up, I didn't really think much about it until maybe after high school. In high school, most of the families were lower middle class, wearing the same clothes, sneakers worn out, maybe something nice once in a while. Public schools, state funded lunches, punch cards, bad facilities, good, but tired teachers, many of the families in my town were at or around the state poverty line. Five to ten miles radius, people were living in half a million dollar homes,, going to private and catholic schools...unaware of what happened on the other side of the tracks. I took my lumps....countless times being harassed, a 45-lb plate dropped on my chest in sophomore year of football, threatened to be shot junior year by my fellow secondary teammate, loading guns and driving around.....I guess it would still be referred to as "the hood" back then....and I can definitely say it was. Row homes for days, broken down cars, SEPTA buses coming through like jet engines, dumpster diving for expired Tastykakes, Mom always scrounging....even a few quarters so I could run up to 7-11 for a Snickers bar. One great thing was the ties we did form as friends there. Many lived and died for their friends. Some still do. We had a big community pool. Looking back, the best days of my mom and my sister's lives probably. Their "piece of the world"...I cherish it to this day. 

With that being said, we are coming to that time when we're having to clean my old house out. 988 Grant Rd. Folcroft, PA 19032. You can Google it. It wasn't much, but it was home until I first moved out. We are starting to remove any memory that my family lived there as no one really does any more. We are starting to erase a lifetime of what happened between those walls. We are starting to close the door on the past; some good, some bad, some all over the map. I guess that is also part of the hood a lot of people just don't talk about. Parents becoming parents too young, unsure, broke, addicted, hard-headed, stubborn, wanting to still be young, but wanting to try the parent thing. I closed the door on even discussing a lot of it for decades. I don't feel the need to tie it in here cause this is supposed to be a positive story. 

So as I am packing stuff up and going back and forth to my truck, I notice a bunch of young kids playing. Football in the alley. Soccer in the alley. Taking a leak in my yard (you will see). Jabbing at your buddies. These 6-7 kids all see me. So I was cleaning out cabinets and there was a box of our favorite crackers growing up, Lance Toastachee. A true hood treat. ha. I gave them all a pack. Some didn't like them, but the ones that did really enjoyed them and said thank you. So most of the group goes up half to the alley. Then one kid, a larger kid of the group, he is sitting on a bike and he's not going far, if at all. If you look at this kid and me, we couldn't be more different. Me, 47 yr old white guy, fairly chill, tees and shorts, backwards trucker cap, broad, unfiltered. Him, about 5ft, 130lbs, head to toe in gray sweats, medium fro, very dark skinned black boy. He quietly approaches me and looks me in the eye and says, "Hey, do you think you could teach me to ride a bike?" I still get chills typing it. This child, of all the people he could've asked, well, he asked me. My heart both broke with pain for him and it also felt good that he had the comfort to ask. I say comfort, not confidence. I also think of, "not one man in this boy's life til now could've stopped and taught him??" And then I got angry. Angry that he had a man help him even do this in life. So I said to him, "I have 5 mins until I have to leave.....let's do it." I grabbed the back of his sweatshirt, echoed many times to pedal, pedal, pedal...he kept saying I'm gonna fall. I said you're not, I got you. This 40 something white goofball and this 10 or so black kid.....bonding over learning how to ride a bike. In the alleys....where I rode my bike 40 years ago...where I hung with my friends...where my dad or mom helped me....We went up and down the alley several times before his other friends started to ask. I said I would be back some time, but that is just a maybe. 

I drove up the alley way, saying bye, thankful for a moment that helped me get through the pain of what I am going through and what is happening to our past life at 988...he was about halfway up on my ride up the alley. So I stopped. I said, "you did great, you just keep pedaling and gravity will take hold...you're really getting it..." Instead of a "thanks" or short quick comment. He looked at me and said, "Thank you very much..." held out a fist for a "fist pump" as we call it in the states and we parted ways. 

I always say, there are good people all over. There are people who want to have someone to look to. It is as much present in adults as it is in heaven. My one good buddy said, "you need to stop being so nice....and just keep going on your way". I think the day I would ever stop to help a child who asks for help, I am letting myself down as much as them. Granted, my buddy isn't wrong. Given the wrong view of the "white guy" holding on to the "black boy" from eyes who didn't have context; something easily could've happened that day. I take that into consideration.....but most days, at my mid 40's, all I want to do is just pedal my bike.....and let the wind take me to better places. 

"Teach the children, so it will not be necessary to teach the adults." Abraham Lincoln

A picture of my "new 988 crew". Folcroft4Life. 

The Untethered Soul - Letting Go of False Solidity Pg 132-133

     Why do we let this happen to us? Why dp we care so much whether other people accept the facade we put out there? It all comes down to understanding why we are clinging to our self-concept. If you stop clinging, you will see why the tendency to cling was there. If you let go of your facade, and don't try to trade it in for a new one, your thoughts and emotions will become unanchored and beging passing through you. It will be a very scary experience. You will feel panic deep inside, and you will be unable to get your bearings. This is what people feel when something very important outside does not fit their inner model. The facade ceases to work and begins to crumble. When it can no longer protect you, you experience great fear and panic. However, you'll find that if you're willing to face the sense of panic, there is a way to go past it. You can go further back into the consciousness that is experiencing it, and the panic will stop. Then there will be a great peace, like nothing you've ever felt. 

    That the part very few people come to know: it can stop. The noise, the fear, the confusion, the constant changing of these inner energies--it can all stop. You thought you had to protect yourself, so you grabbed onto things that were coming at you and used them to hide. You took what you could get your hands on, and you started to cling in order to build solidity. But you can let go what you're clinging to and not play this game. You just have to let the risk of letting it all go and daring to face and fear that was driving you. Then you can pass through the part of you, and it will all be over. It will stop--no more struggling, just peace 

    This journey is one of passing through exactly where you have been struggling not to go. As you pass through that state of turmoil, the consciousness itself is your only repose. You will just be aware that tremedous changes are taking place. You will be aware that there is no solidity and you will become comfortable with that. You will be aware that each moment of each day is unfolding and you neither have control, nor crave it. You have no concepts, no hopes, no dreams, no beliefs, and no security. You are no longer building mental models of what's going on, but life is going on anyway. You are perfectly comforable just being aware of it. Here comes this moment, then the next moment, and then the next. But that's really what has always happened. Moment after moment has been passing before your consciousness. The difference is that now you see it happening. You see that your emotions and your mind are reacting to these moments that are coming through, and you're doing nothing to stop it. You're doing nothing to control it. Just just letting life unfold, both outside and inside of you. 

    If you take this journey, you will get to the state in which you see exactly how the unfolding moments bring up a sense of fear. From this place of clarity, you will be able to experience the powerful tendency to protect yourself. This tendency exists because you truly have no control, and that is not comfortable to you. But if you really want to break through, you have to be willing to just watch the fear without protecting yourself. You must be willing to see that this need to protect yourself is where th entire personality comes from. It was created by building a mental and emotional structure to get way from the sense of fear. You are now standing face-to-face with the root of the psyche. 

One Picture of Us

You often pop into my head. I guess cause I am back where it started. I am about 5 miles from where we met. I laugh at the "me" from then, but then, maybe you laugh at the "you" from then. I think what should've been a happy-go-lucky 18 yr old at the time, was a hardened egg with a soft shell....waiting to be seen. I remember seeing you, months before we even met. I remember how you use to clown me about the parties I would go to. I remember you asking me if I hooked up with any trashy girls. Part of me wants to find those discs and read those emails. haha. I wonder if it's even possible. You also got to know a guy who was working his ass off every night to pay for school. That definitely hardened me....along with a roller coaster home life that was moving at light speed. I remember how good it felt to say good night when I was going to work and you were going to sleep. Those things, they really made me know, someone cared about me in this life. Small things you didn't even know you did...they stayed with me forever. I laugh at how bad I was in those years. I really didn't prepare for all that attention. How could I? I didn't know how I became someone that really, I was not. Many times, behind closed doors, you saw the real me. I always get memories sent to me...about those days. I remember you getting your license and driving your brand new Alero over to my house. Telling me, "you're going to be the first one I take for a drive...so be ready Mr. Malin."I never threw anything you wrote to me away. You really were just so sweet in them...you even had plans for the future.....you knew what you wanted out of life....but you had chosen the right guy at the wrong time. Part of me didn't really know that. I mean, I was 18! I know we've talked about my transgressions and I am SO happy you could joke/laugh with me about them. You were always more mature than me emotionally. For some reason, I remembered those corny Kodak disposable cameras today. I remembered, God knows why, that someone came to me while I at Penn State Main, and gave me a picture of us at one of those corny dances. I put it away and never really thought to show you. I know I still have it, but it's packed away in my storage unit. I think what got me about it, given the times, the 90's, no cell phones really. It was really the only picture we ever got taken together. It was a nice time and we actually slow danced. So American. Ha. I have a vivid image of the picture and my long ass belt and cream shirt and pants like I was some horrible rapper who was outfitted by Tommy Hilfiger. I laugh. It's crazy....college relationships...you sure do end up spending tons of time together. I mean, we even took some classes together at Delco and Main. I remember always seeing you walk home and that time when the snow was falling. Of course, the entire time, I was juggling a life of uncertainty. How was I going to afford the next semester...thank you UPS. How was my family going to be able to afford living at Main? Thank you Suburban Materials. How was I going to afford just day-to-day....thank you MBNA, or not. 24.1% was great. There are so many details about our relationship that just stayed stamped on my head. Even the bad times, I can even replay them. Little Tom! Ha. It's just so imprinted on my memory. Not to outdo other women in my life, but I guess your mind, your emotional mind, your heart, it's all so tender during those years. 17, 18, 19, 20.....you're literally just growing still....well....I guess we always growing. Y

You know what you never did to me? You never really blamed me. Part of me wishes you were harsher on me. Part of me wishes you just said, "Bob, don't you love me more than this or that?" "Bob, what about all the time we spent together? Bob, what about the plans we had? Bob, where is the guy that was crying in the doctor's office with me that day? I don't know where I got lost. I just did. 

I do realize that guy back then, he was like playing a part. He was influenced by a hard life at home, a hard life at work, being angry at his spot and his family's place in life, wanting SO badly for things to be easier...just once. They never got easier. If anything, they got so hard, I became a broken glass of a million pieces. Hard for my mom, hard for my sisters, hard for many reasons....reasons I typically never discuss cause they are just too painful to replay. Ironic cause the hard times we had, I can replay them and chalk them up to "being a dumb college kid". The other hard times, well I can't. I hope somewhere in your heart, you knew that I was a good person that was growing thorns of protection during those years. Protection from being hurt, protection from pain, protection from love, protection from the one girl those years who was all in. I admire and respect you so much for that. A time when I was happy to have 5-10 bucks in my pocket. A time when free food at work was such a gift. A time when cereal was much of what I ate except for the cafe before practice. I remember that one "date night" we had at Allen Street and that gift I had made. I at least did some good things. I wish I could've done more. I was running to catch my tail and always hearing, "we don't have money for that". it would've been great if I would've stopped, asked my mom if I could've had you over for dinner. You're Italian and she's a great cook and she sure did love you and you were always so nice to her. I know she was dealing with her own things at that time and I guess the "why don't you stay for dinner?" thing didn't pop into her head. Granted she was raising 4 girls. So many things I remember about those days with you. I am thrilled to see that you met someone and are living your dream life of raising a family. I knew that was so important to you and you're a hard worker who has carved out a nice career. I saw your husband one time at the bar, but I just wasn't going to go up to him. He don't know me. I laughed thinking about seeing him and you right next to him and just that funny moment. I use the excuse, "We went to Penn State together....she was my tutor cause I was a big dummy..." And I laugh as you smile and come close to laughing. You always gave me shit for testing out of English 015. hahahahahahaha. " "You went to Academy Park.....how the hell are you that good at English that you get to skip it?" I remember just laughing at you when yous said that. 

I think you live in my present mind as much as you do is because you knew what I was going through when I wasn't with you. Things I never shared. Things a young guy shouldnt see or hear or have to experience. In another life, things are normal, I dont work so much, I get to be a normal guy growing up in the suburbs who meets a great girl and....happily ever after. And maybe a little self sabotage, but at 47, I realize I was covering so much pain with so many things I shouldn't have. I should've just said, "Can we just go for a walk and talk?" Your home was a safe haven for me. Always cared about your parents. I know your bro wasn't about you dating a hood rat, but I think he got over that once we talked. idk. 

It was almost 30 years ago, but the memories stuck with me. Imagine thinking something is so special when you have nothing. I guess that makes it real. You didn't need anything from me except my love and attention. Your birthday is coming up. Part of me wishes what changed me never changed me during those days. I was perfectly happy with you. I just couldn't stop time. I couldn't stop two people who were headed in different directions. I wish I did a u-turn, but it was too late. 

At least we have one picture of us. 

I know you're going...

I never wanted to be good at this "death" thing. I think since I was in the third grade, I remember being pulled out of class for my great grandmother's death. Then it was Mike in our Jr Year. Suicide. Then it was one after another. Tommy DeStefano on our baseball team, suicide. Then a long break. Then Tommy, that one changed me. He was so full of life. Dead in his early 30's. Then year after year. John, Pop Pop, Mom, Kathy, Pop. I became numb and I surely numbed myself. Hidden in the darkness was my bright soul. A fire burning in a blizzard. Now I face that again. I face that same fate. At 47. I am close to death. He is my shadow. I watched so much the last 15 years. I knew this was coming. You did as well. I just wish you chose to stop it when you could.....I couldn't. I am numb again. I am melancholy. I have the blinds closed and I am letting the cold in. "I don't feel pain, but I feel more than you'd ever know.....I dont have highs but I got some lows...I feel I've been cursed....I've been numb and been sinking like a stone..."

Death....you can get in line to beat me. The line has been long my entire life, but I'm still fucking coming for life. I'm still here. You won't beat me yet!!!

Older, but nothing's any different

Right now feels the same, I wonder why

I wish they told us, it shouldn't take a sickness

Or airplanes falling out the sky

Do I have to die to hear you miss me?

Do I have to die to hear you say goodbye?

I don't wanna act like there's tomorrow

I don't wanna wait to do this one more time

One More Time - Blink-182

So long it's been

Even after so many years. Decades really. If I fall asleep during some strange time, I enter a dream and you're always in it. God sure does have your back to "torment" for so many years. I always wake up smiling regardless and I laugh. Dreams are funny that way. It's always a close moment or a passing moment. I have no idea why you still linger. Granted, it was a very impressionable time in both our lives. We wanted different things. We probably want different things now. I guess the paths opened up as they were meant to be. No regrets. No looking back. It's funny that I am closer now. Not that it changes anything nor would I allow it. I just always find the dreams funny. I know God gets a kick out of it. Oh, you done messed up kid....30 years of seeing her face in your sleep!!!! Eh. I ain't mad. At this point I've been through it all. A few dreams can't do much at this point. 

 "Don't look back; something might be gaining on you" Satchel Paige.

Inside the cold

I don’t think of it much these days. I can still hear the howling wind of a cold winter night. The wind whipping down the street and objecting across the siding. It was as if the place had only a few dim lights. I realize maybe impossible to use for reading or anything but eating and getting out the door. The wood in the house, a patchwork of things. The darkness comforted me. The silence even more. I stopped thinking about the difficult parts of my life. The parts I couldn’t change, nor run from. The unknown of what might come. As if protected from what could hurt me. Not yet immobile from anchors that got attached a long time ago. Anchors I had not yet learned to drop so I could be free. I had many at the time. Maybe I still have a few today. I couldn’t really imagine what was behind me. What was in front of me, well, it was blank, but possible. I tend to never forget that room. You didn’t know I would look over at you and wonder. I would smile. I wish the two of us smiled more about what we were experiencing. Then again, I wish I smiled so much more about life in general. I lost that part of myself from so many sad times. Sadly, I would also look over and know that some day, you’d be gone. I knew it. I expected an end to all good things in my life. I think it got programmed in my brain around 8. The beginning of the violence. I knew it would end, yet there I laid, on the bed, a wry smile across my face. I cried one time. Ironically, it was her, Mother Nature, who protected me during those days and nights; the many hours spent away. The wind was her voice, her emotions, the cold brutal air. Unbeknownst to me, both, protected me, from what was happening miles away. I remember that. She was there as were you. Both of you couldn’t have known I was plummeting through life and my bliss was temporary and I knew it. So many open doors I had passed through. There are some I choose to leave closed, a part of my heart still alive inside. Inside the cold….

Far, Far Beyond - Ch 13 - Untethered Soul by Michael Singer

If anything happens that challenges how view things, you fight. You defend. You rationalize. You get frustrated and angry over simple little things. This is the result of being unable to fit into what's actually happening into your model of reality. If you want to go beyond your model, you have to take the risk of not believing in it. If your mental model is bothering you, it's because it doesn't incorporate reality. Your choice is to either resist reality or go beyond the limits of your model. 

In order to truly go beyond your model, you must first understand why you built it. The easiest way to understand this is to study what happens when the model doesn't work. Have you ever built your whole world on a model of life predicated upon another person's behaviour or the permanence of a relationship? If so, have you ever had that foundation pulled from under you? Somebody leaves you? Somebody dies, Something goes wrong, Something shakes your model to the core. When this happens, your entire view of who you believe you are, including your relationship to everyone and everything around you, begins to fall apart. You panic and do everything you can to hold it together. You beg, fight and struggle to try and keep your world from collapsing.

Technicolor

The dreams told me.

It wasn’t the mistakes of the past. 

It was the potential of the future. 

It was the reality of what was possible. 

It was the picture of a life that would surely not be without trials.

The glimmer in the eyes.

The death of regret. 

Chapter 11 - Pain, the price of freedom & Chapter 12 - Taking down the walls

"...When you feel pain, simply view it as energy. Just start seeing these inner experiences as energy passing through your heart and before the of your consciousness. Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release. Relax your heart until you are actually face-to-face with the exact place it hurts. Stay open and receptive so you can be present right where the tension is. You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation. But you will not want to do this. You will feel tremendous resistance to doing this, and that's what makes it so powerful. As you relax and feel resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It's just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go."

"At some point in your growth, it starts to become quieter inside. This happens quite naturally as you take a deeper seat within yourself. You then come to realize that though you have always been there, you have been completely overwhelmed by the constant barrage of thoughts, emotions and sensory inputs that draw on your consciousness. As you see this, it begins to dawn on you that you migth actually be able to go beyond all the disturbances. The more you sit in the seat of witness consciousness, the more you realize that since you are completely independent of what you are watching, there must be a way to break free of the magical hold that the psyche has on your awareness. There must be a way out..."

Downeaster Alexa

 "The Downeaster 'Alexa'"

Well I'm on the downeaster "Alexa"
And I'm cruising through Block Island Sound
I have charted a course to the Vineyard
But tonight I am Nantucket bound
We took on diesel back in Montauk yesterday
Left this morning from the bell in Gardiner's Bay
Like all the locals here I've had to sell my home
Too proud to leave, I work my fingers to the bone

So I could own my downeaster "Alexa"
And I go where the ocean is deep
There are giants out there in the canyons
And a good captain can't fall asleep
I got bills to pay and children who need clothes
I know there's fish out there, but where God only knows
They say these waters aren't what they used to be
But I got people back on land who count on me

So if you see my downeaster "Alexa"
And if you work with the rod and the reel
Tell my wife I am trolling Atlantis
And I still have my hands on the wheel

Yay-o
Yay-o
Yay-o
Yay-yay-o

Now I drive my downeaster "Alexa"
More and more miles from shore every year
Since they told me I can't sell no stripers
And there's no luck in swordfishing here
I was a bayman like my father was before
Can't make a living as a bayman anymore
There ain't much future for a man who works the sea
But there ain't no island left for islanders like me

Yay-yay-yay-o
Yay-yay-yay-o
Yay-yay-yay-o
Yay-yay-yay-o