The First Amendment...for the people in the back that have soft feelings.

The First Amendment protects fundamental American freedoms, stating that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Essentially, it guarantees freedom of religion, speech, the press, peaceful assembly, and the right to petition the government. 

Escape Inside

I had traveled all those miles, across so many boundaries and lines. You thought you were far away, but you were right beside me, on the loneliest flights and quiet cab rides through city streets. I always went back to those times at sea and the rocks along the coast…..it was my home when I was often homeless or in the sky. Imagine how much wind it took to push me 100,000 miles?

If

If you don’t stop looking into your past, you’re going to miss out on your future. 

Bob

Untethered Soul - Contemplating Death - Pg 158

Take a moment to look at the things you think you need. Look at how much time and energy you put into various activities. Imagine if you knew you were going to die within a week or a month. How would that change things? How would your priorities change? How would your thoughts change? Think honestly about what you would do with your last week. What a wonderful thought to contemplate. Then ponder this ques-tion: If that's really what you would do with your last week, what are you doing with the rest of your time? Wasting it? Throwing it away? Treating it like it's not something precious? What are you doing with life? That is what death asks you.

Let's say you're living life without the thought of death, and the Angel of Death comes to you and says, "Come, it's time to go." You say,

"But no. You're supposed to give me a warning so I can decide what I want to do with my last week. I'm supposed to get one more week." Do you know what Death will say to you? He'll say, "My God! I gave you fifty-two weeks this past year alone. And look at all the other weeks I've given you.Why would you need one more? What did you do with all those?" If asked that, what are you going to say? How will you answer? "I wasn't paying attention... I didn't think it mattered." That's a pretty amazing thing to say about your life.

Death is a great teacher. But who lives with that level of awareness?

Whoever you are, wherever you are....tell someone that you love...that you love them.

I can't say this any more clear than I am typing it. Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you're sorry. Accept an apology. Mend the broken fence. Open the door. Drive to see them. Hug them. Look them in the eyes and say, you love them. If they're alive, tell them how much you care. It will do as much for you  as it will them. Get that coldness out of your heart. It will always be a waste of time. Go towards those you cherish. Hold their hand. Make them smile. Smile. Say I love you. Say I care about what you think and feel. Relive old memories. You will not feel better about holding that grudge, you will not feel better about standing your ground....believe me. In the end, you will see that you have wasted time being angry, upset and doing nothing. Don't. Let go. Let in. Let bygones be bygones. 

We only have this one life. One god damn life. When you're dead, you think you will give AF about how "strong" you were to stand your ground? No. We have this one life. We have this one life. We have this one life. Say it with me. 

I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry if I ever made you sad. I'm sorry if I was not the person you thought I was. I made mistakes. I wish I could've been better. I care about you. I hope you're good. I hope you're thriving. I hope people love you. I hope you love someone. 

Wherever you are. I love you.

Bob

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Untethered Soul - Chapter 17 Contemplating Death

It is not really that I ever would seek death out. I was scared of me personally dying when I was young, like in my teen years. I definitely wouldn't have chosen the path I walked on dealing with death at ages I don't really believe people should have to deal with it. Especially 16. You also shouldn't have to lose close friends as early as late 20's and 30's. Alas, tough times hit my family in a profound way the last 10 years. It's one thing to lose someone who wasn't a real integral part of your adult life. The last 10 years, my family, we've been through the ringer. People can say this or that about life. I have been through just about all of it. The parts I haven't been through, mostly cause I was dealing with helping someone survive through pain/abuse/situations or I was dealing with my own trauma from that stuff. In the last 10 years, we lost my grandfather, then his first born, my mom at 61, her sister around the same age, who was my backboard for all things back to my mom, my grandfather on my dad's side, a guy who always made me feel like I was telling him something new even though he had been around the world twice with the Navy in the Korean War and lived more than many men through so much and then my other aunt at 63, a person who loved and helped so many, and then my father. There is no escaping we will all die. And yes, some can say this or that about being fortunate that we had these people; I mean, for good people who loved us, of course we are fortunate. No one is thankful that they had an asshole in their life. ha. I just happened to have my podcasts lined up and the recent one was our relationship with death. This podcast just happened to coincide with my morning reading.....a new chapter....one that I wasnt expecting. I have been reading this book and like 9 others over the past 5 years and I sure didn't expect this chapter...This was the first page and it sure did draw me in. 

Bob

CHAPTER 17

Contemplating death

It is truly a great cosmic paradox that one of the best teachers in all of _ life turns out to be death. No person or situation could ever teach you as much as death has to teach you. While someone could tell you that you are not your body, death shows you. While someone could remind you of the insignificance of the things that you cling to, death takes them all away in a second. While people can teach you that men and women of all races are equal and that there is no difference between the rich and the poor, death instantly makes us all the same.

The question is, are you going to wait until that last moment to let death be your teacher? The mere possibility of death has the power to teach us at any moment. A wise person realizes that at any moment they may breathe out, and the breath may not come back in. It could happen any time, in any place, and your last breath is gone. You have to learn from this. A wise being completely and totally embraces the reality, the inevitability, and the unpredictability of death.

Any time you're having trouble with something, think of death.

Two of my favorites...in Mom Mom's kitchen in Darby...during Christmas. We had love, we had joy. That is for sure. I am so grateful these two women were part of my journey. In my heart I continuet to carry their memories....and their huge, loving personalities. 

Untethered soul - The Spiritual Path of Nonresistance pg 155

The key is to just relax and release, and deal only with what's left in front of you. You do not need to worry about the rest. If you relax and release, you will see that it puts you through tremendous spiritual growth.

You'll start to feel an enormous amount of energy awaken inside of you.

You will feel much more love than you've ever felt before. You will feel more peace and contentment, and eventually nothing will ever disturb you again.

You truly can reach a state in which you never have any more stress, tension, or problems for the rest of your life. You just have to realize that life is giving you a gift, and that gift is the flow of events that takes place between your birth and your death. These events are exciting, challenging, and create tremendous growth. To comfortably handle this flow of life, your heart and mind must be open and expansive enough to encompass reality. The only reason they're not is because you resist. Learn to stop resisting reality, and what used to look like stressful problems will begin to look like the stepping-stones of your spiritual journey.

Vivid White

Again, I have no control over what is coming when I fall asleep...

A memory locked so far down, the reboot could not be self inflicted. It was all of minutes that this happened in our lives, yet the memory stands alone in my mind. Two people standing still amongst strangers passing us by in life. Winter’s cold, yet our warmth and love is apparent. I saw you coming about 100 feet before we met there. Standing still, faces touching. Even in the dream your winter hat is visible, snow falling, a quick private kiss and I love you and eyes closing. There is no one else in the world right now. 

The vivid white of falling snow and winter’s warmth….there is no darkness even though the sun has not yet risen. 

I awoke, grateful and smiling. 

We were there....

Upland Street first house I would say we lived in around all our family in Southwest Philly. , Row home. 

Saybrook Ave..Huge row home with lots of space....to get lost. haha. Nanny and Pop's house. The central spot. Wiffle ball capital of the world. House of Cheese access. Avenue access. , All the great thanksgivings we had there. So many people together. Drinking, smoking, laughing, having such a blast. Such good food and prayers and just caring and loving about one another. Tons of hours on the porch playing Nintendo. Tons of wiffle ball games in the fire house alley facing the houses. Homers for days. hahahah

Edgehill Rd, Small row home. Mom and Pop Pop's house in Darby. It was such a cozy place. Mom Mom was such a great host and Pop Pop just chilled. So many xmas eve's, watching Santa drive down the street, fire truck blaring and all the kids so happy that Santa was there. Fireman throwing candies and lots of treats for kids. Blue collar. Americana. The creaky steps to the basement where he would whittle away on his tool bench and fix or create or just spend time.....When Mom Mom passed there was something definitely missing. I spent 4 years getting to know Pop Pop and boy did we have such a close bond. He was one of a kind. Sucha  great man who truly cared about people. It hurt me to leave that place, but life was changing.....

Grant Rd., The central station, the meeting point, where it kinda all grew from. I was 5 or so when we moved to Grant Rd. It was three of us. That house, man, it grew quick. That house, held so many snapshots of a life of a growing family....developing. Two parents......raising 5 kids. I wish I had the time and detail to write about all of it. The days when I was just one kid in that house were few....then little sister came...then another...another....another. Boundaries were drawn quickly. Routines figured out even quicker. I was 5 years older than my next sibling...I got the routine down before they were even here. One boy in one room. Four girls in one room. Parents.....parenting. Mom in the center of the upstairs walkway.....getting ready for work. Dad sleeping for night work. Two people breaking speed limits for living life. Both of my parents are gone now. Mom in 2019. Dad in 2025. My wish for them, as parents, would've been to stop and realize what was going on in that house.....we were always moving so fast. I wish both of them just stopped and we all just sat or stood in one room and talked. I would've loved to hear about their lives growing up more than I knew. I would've loved to hear about their dreams as they grew up in Philly and Darby. I would've loved to have heard their dreams for their children. I wish we all just got in the car together....drove to some park like Valley Forge, packed a lunch like Mom did so many times, grabbed some sodas and pizza or tacos like Dad did so many times....and spent quiet times.....as a family. We missed out on that. We were always a family....but we needed to stop. We need to hit the brakes and appreciate what was really happening......in our time.....1977-1987...1987-1997....1997-2007...2007-2017.....2019. We never stopped moving. And maybe that's how it is for most families. I digress. As we moved Dad out to Lisa's, started to pack stuff up, it hits you. It hits you that 42 years of growth as a family happened there. Yes we had fights, yes we screamed, yes I was threatened with a knife, yes she fought back. All that stuff happens in real life. I won't lie. Mom did such a great job being a Mom. She was Wonderwoman. Dad, he worked so much.....we never expected to see him much during the day. Me, I babysat a lot. hahaha. In between my practices for various sports, I babysat. My main wish today.....let's slow down. Let's really try and just slow down. Let's hug, let's talk, let's realize how special these moments are. Even the bad ones. We learn. I get sad today. I realize my childhood home is forever gone and no longer mine. 42 years is a long time. It went by so fast. Maybe I even sped it up....so many sports, working, studying, traveling. When I started traveling a lot for work, I would always get a magnet for my mom and dad's fridge from the city I was in. Newport, Chicago, San Diego, Cancun, Normal, San Fran, Dothan, Pensacola. They loved them all. I remember one time coming back from Detroit and I stopped by and it was just the 3 of us....like it was in 1984.....I gave my dad a Detroit Red Wings t-shirt and mom a magnet. For some reason that always sticks out for me. They were so thankful. Kids moved out, moved on, Dad kept working, mom left Super Fresh, picked up side jobs. I felt they were afraid of being alone and mostly I wish that I could've told them I would've spent time with them at the house any time and just talk, talk about all those years......we didn't have time to talk. It makes me sad. 

Miner St. A nice classic house we stayed in for 2 years. My first adult relationship. My first apt with someone else. Boy, I def got wild in that place. We played music, learned about life, cried, learned about death. A special place....I have since revisited. 

Umbria. I spent 15 years on Umbria. I had a small studio in a historical place where tons of people came by. My sisters, my grandfather, my mom, girlfriends. Man, so many memories from that tiny spot. Such a small place. 500/month. Brick walls. Old kitchen. In an old box house. I still remember so many fond memories from that place. It has since been knocked down and with it, maybe my memories as well. It was the last place I think my mom and pop pop hung out together. I will never forget that picture. I cant really go into all the details....but a few special people came into my apts in Umbria. I also really just was the guy in the city. I always got home safe. Mom loved my apt, but hated it at the same time. She was like "you can do so much better" That made me sad....cause I kinda knew for a while I should't have been there. It got dirty and both landlords just treated me like shit. I never understood that. I lived in that studio for 10 years and the other place for 5. Thanfully it was so cheap, I will retire some day. I remember Mom would park on the side street. Marchianos loved me and my family. They came to my mom and dad's funerals. I am always thankful for that....and their super bowl parties and them inviting me to everything. I still go to Hilltown Tavern and I am thankful for my friends Sean and Timmy. I dont know what I would do without them. 

Dixon St. My first experience with a New England home. I mean. It screamed New England. Those streets. They could be so cold. They would howl. The wind would push you when you'd walk. It was my first dip into New England with a special girl. I really didn't know what I was in for when I came up to Newport, but it opened my eyes so much. It opened my eyes up to a chance. It was the perfect fit for me. I was away from everything that could pull me towards darkness and gave someone a chance. I gave something a chance to change me and boy did it ever. The mansions, Bowen's wharf, Black Pearl (that nice couple that bought me my first bowl of chowdah! so grateful for nice strangers), Lobstah Rolls, Cliff Walk, the ocean telling me, "trust me Bob, I won't hurt you", Red Parrot, Brick Alley (Mom and Kathy loved the blueberry beer), Gas Lamp Grille.....My first Samuel Adams.....I felt almost I should've been born there. Amazing by all accounts. I got to spend time there with a special person and I am forever grateful for Rhode Island and her. It actually opened me up to what was possible for a guy from 988 Grant Rd. Things changed...I said to my mom, I gotta get you up to Newport RI. And with her dad dying, she took a chance, like I did. She loved every part of Newport. Every part of it. I had never seen her so happy. A year later, we brought her best friend, her sister. Her sister didn't believe that she would like Rhody more than the "Jersey Shore"....I bobbed and waved through NYC, CT, into RI and we plopped our asses down in Middletown and then that night walked on Thames St and went to the Oyster House. I never saw two women so in awe. I will have to find a picture. As sisters, it was almost as if they were meant to be there. I have since visited Newport since both of their passings. I miss them. 

Providence Rd...The current residence. Peace. 

Untethered Soul - The Path to Unresistance Pgs 152-153

These personal events that take place in our lives leave impressions on our minds and hearts. Those impressions become the basis for asserting our will to either resist or cling. It's no deeper than that. The events may have happened in your childhood or at various points throughout your life. Regardless of when they happened, they left impressions inside of you. Now, based on these past impressions, you are resisting the current events that are taking place. This creates inner tension, turmoil, struggle, and suffering. Instead of seeing this and refusing to allow these past events to run your life, you buy into them. Believing they have real meaning, you put all your heart and soul into either resisting or clinging. But in truth, this entire process has no real meaning. It just destroys your life.

The alternative is to use life to let go of these impressions and the stress they create. In order to do this you have to become very conscious.You have to carefully watch the mental voice that tells you to resist some-thing. It literally commands you: "I don't like what he said. Fix it." It gives you advice and tells you to confront the world by resisting things. Why do you listen to it? Let your spiritual path become the willingness to let whatever happens make it through you, rather than carrying it into the next moment. That doesn't mean you don't deal with what happens. You're welcome to deal with it, but first let the energy make it through you. If you don't, you will not actually be dealing with the current event, you will be dealing with your own blocked energies from the past. You will not be coming from a place of clarity, but from a place of inner resistance and tension.

In the ways

Always good to catch up. Even if it’s over email. I like hearing about your life. I am happy you feel ok sharing it. I always realize that we are bound by a few things that will never really go away. For that, I am grateful. We can still laugh and be curious and be grateful of the time we spent together. Very much unlike the time many thought we spent. No one knew except you how hard I struggled during those years. Struggling so much, exhausted, to the point it changed my body for a certain amount of time. Most of all I am grateful those years were spent with you and I’m happy our special place is still as we left it. I got a kick out of hearing your daughter may go to school there. Through it all, we still can savor the old memories. Days of yesterdays and nights about two kids….growing and going through some real adult shit. I don’t have any energy to search for some clever quote. I never threw your cards out. I never threw that note saying “you were here.” You cared about me more than anyone I’ve ever met and I’m so grateful for that. You cared about me when I had zero to give you better than you already had it and for that, I know you were honest and in love. You still have me in awe and I’m still impressed by your words…..over email…..as we did so many years ago. 

I went to work all those nights with a smile on my face. I had someone to live for. 

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway

 “But man is not made for defeat,” he said. “A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”

Standing close. Holding Words.

Again you appear in my dreams….either from me to regret my mistakes or that I can meet someone like you again. In the dream we are back in college and I’m up arguing with a group of guys, one who is into you, and it’s just a bashing of each other and I woke up with my blood boiling and then I just smiled and laughed. I’ve seen you twice in 27 years and I am still happy we met. Happy about that love that was stupid yet valid. I also thanked God. If these are the lessons he will teach me the rest of my life; I am thankful. I don’t need any more of the ones I’ve had to learn from the last 10 years. You’re still number one girl. By a long shot. Ha. 

"In young love, we learn how to be brave, vulnerable, and resilient all at once" — Unknown

The Untethered Soul - The Path of Unconditional Happiness pgs. 145-148

This really just woke me up. Amazing...

If you take on this path of unconditional happiness, you will go through all of the various stages of yoga. You will have to stay conscious, centered, and committed at all times. You will have to stay one-pointed on your commitment to remain open and receptive to life. But nobody said that you can't do this. Staying open is what the great saints and masters taught. They taught that God is joy, God is ecstasy, and God is love. If you remain open enough, waves of uplifting energy will fill your heart.

Spiritual practices are not an end in themselves. They bear fruit when you become deep enough to remain open. If you learn to stay open at all times, great things will happen to you. You simply have to learn not to close.

The key is to learn to keep your mind disciplined enough so that it doesn't trick you into thinking that this time i's worth closing. If you slip, get back up. The minute you slip, the minute you open your mouth, the minute you start to close and defend yourself, get back up. Just pick yourself up and affirm inwardly that you don't want to close, no matter what happens. Affirm that all you want is to be at peace and to appreciate life. You don't want your happiness to be conditional upon the behavior of other people. It's bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other people's behavior, you're in serious trouble. "

Things are going to happen to you, and you're going to feel the tendency to close. But you have the choice to either go with it or let it go. Your mind will tell you that it's not reasonable to stay open when these things happen. But you have limited time left in your life, and what's really not reasonable is to not enjoy life.

If you have trouble remembering that, then meditate. Meditation strengthens your center of consciousness so that you're always aware enough to not allow your heart to close. You remain open by simply letting go and releasing the tendency to close. You just relax your heart when it starts to tighten. You don't have to be outwardly glowing all the time; you're just joyful inside. Instead of complaining, you're just having fun with the different situations that unfold.

Unconditional happiness is a very high path and a very high technique because it solves everything. You could learn yoga techniques, such as meditation and postures, but what do you do with the rest of your life?

The technique of unconditional happiness is ideal because what you're

Once you have passed through trial by fire, and you are thoroughly convinced that you will let go no matter what, then the veils of the human mind and heart will fall away. You will stand face-to-face with what is beyond you because there is no longer a need for you. When you are done playing with the temporal and finite, you will open to the eternal and innit. Then the word "happiness" can't describe your state. That's where words like ecstasy, bliss, liberation, Nirvana, and freedom come in. The joy becomes overwhelming, and your cup runneth over.

This is a beautiful path. Be happy.

Road Worrier

 It’s 5:39am. From the open window in my bedroom I can hear the traffic moving down the highway. A cool almost-to-be fall morning. Only about 10 years ago, I would be waiting outside with my luggage for a cab to take to me a train or plane. I was robotic back in those days. Never really knowing my “why”; just that I had to do this or that for customer this or that. While most people my age at that time were getting married and starting families….I was logging miles and miles. About 400 train rides, 100 plane trips, 100’s of cab rides (uber wasn’t around then) and one emergency landing. Hello Fort Wayne, Indiana….I don’t miss you. 

There were literally times during those days I would show up in some city, in some other state, in some rental car, and my customer contact would be like….you probably didn’t even need to be here for this. I would always shake my head, curse to the sky and think of Adam Sandler’s line, “information that would’ve been better if I had it yesterday.” I would meet people from my company. Some just look kinda lost. Some were already living in that city and would be onsite for a minute and go home and do little. Some just treated it like a mini vacation to “get away from the wife and kids”. Some had no family. 

Today it’s amazing to me that that was a way of life. Most people back home, they were working their 40 hours and going home. I was working 40, traveling another 20-40 and trying to have some type of life, some type of relationship, some type of normalcy. I could pack a 3-day carry on in the dark. I learned to get dressed by the light of a phone. My grandpop, bless his heart, he never woke up those 500am mornings when I would get 1-2 hours of sleep and get the Septa to 30th street. The only reason I stayed at his place was to show the guy some love and share a pizza with him Monday night; but boy was I completely exhausted going to DC. I know now what it caused to happen in my body. A cost you cannot return. I have zero doubt. 

Everyone who heard I would travel would say oh that’s so cool. People always think you’re going to these great places. DC isn’t really that special affer your 300th trip. It’s less special when it’s about to snow and all your fed colleagues stay home and you’re 200 miles from home. Normal Illinois….well it’s boring as all hell. The home of State Farm. Chicago…it’s too wild. Newbury, CT….not much. Dothan, Alabama is actually nice to drive through, but the “are you a Yankee?” will make you realize quick….you’re out of place. Along with the gas stations that are half food and gas and then another side for NASCAR and SEC gear. Ok. I geeked for the SEC gear. And those guys at the Southern Powen Nuke plant. They were down home good old boys. Eating dinner off the coast of San Diego near the seals was cool. Those winding streets. The guy who “worked on one of my movies” that stopped me in DC. Well, I still don’t know who he thought I was but that was cool. Driving to the Upper Peninesula in Michigan where the Yoopers live to go to the Toshiba Power plant in Ludington was cool. It was lonely and it was one day but there was a certain peace you just can’t buy up there. The coast is rocky and dangerous but peaceful and sandy. Lake Michigan during a windy winter is as violent as any ocean and I quickly understood how ships got wrecked out there. Bill Smith, lead PM then, nice enough to invite me to dinner with only meeting me once. I told myself I would finish that training in Dothan in one day just so I could drive that trip to Pensacola. All I wanted to do was see the ocean. Pensacola is a sleepy coastal town. It was super chill and I did my class and all of my students invited me out to dinner for stories about coon and squirrel hunting and living off the land as young folks. We laughed a lot. The surprise 400 person “Tony Robbins” show in Normal for tons of State Farm people really caught me off guard but I sure did rock it out and celebrate like a real adult with a DQ Blizzard. Thank God I wasn’t diabetic then!

At 32 to 38, I really didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know what all those miles were doing to me. I wasn’t really aware of the cost it was taking on my mind, body qnd soul. I didn’t realize the investment of travel. I always had some type of book with me but part of me wishes I had read more. More about non work things. I got better with the train. I would have my ear wax and glasses on and sleep so good on the trips south. Planes became like my bed at home. The movie on my tablet on the plane ride home in darkness always one of my favorite memories. It was like my own little movie theater. 

They say people love traveling for all those points. Given my circumstances in that part of my life. I guess those points lead to some good times and memories. They’re not of much value these days but I guess I can say that I was afforded the opportunity to do some cool things. People, well, some, they never knew how exhausted I was. I developed a chronic disease I have zero doubt came from stress and lack of sleep most weeks. Granted I didn’t help myself by coming home and getting wild with people but I had like 2 days to see people in my life and you try to fit a life into that. I guess I got to go and do some cool shit. I definitely have paid a price. Granted I haven’t traveled like that in years. I wouldn’t do it that way again. No frigging way. 

That and hearing the captain of a plane say “folks we need to make an emergency landing…we’ve run out of fuel…” while you’re 25,000ft in the sky will sure make you value your life. I wish people knew how tired and exhausted I was. I tried to put in a smile and act like everything was alright but I was so tired inside. That guy definitely doesn’t exist any more. Life got way more serious and sad the last 10 years; I wish I hadn’t traveled so much those years but I did stay as present as one could be when I was there. I can say this though. Most companies don’t care that you’re traveling to make them money. They’re happy it’s you and not them. It’s a thankless side of that consulting business. Maybe one that isn’t as prevalent now. 

My favorite travel times were usually the ones I knew I would have a break and some time to decompress. The northeast corridor train to Kingston, RI. The occasional plane trip to some warm place or even that trip to Mexico to surprise my family. Trips to Chicago to see my buddy. The train ride north; once you get past NYC…you’re coasting. You’re going past cities and towns that seem like they don’t touch the rest of the world. You can see parts of the ocean. Coming through CT, you’re basically on the ocean…so close you could get out and walk to the water. I always had my backpack, my clothes for the weekend, my book, my thoughts, my exhaustion. 

I’m amazed I even hung in there as long as I did. When I left that role, there was no thanks, no we really appreciate what you did, nothing. I think that’s what hurts. The people who were controlling my trips; they could’ve cared less about how tired I was. Cared less about all that lost time with loved ones. Cared less about my safety. And today I don’t care about them at all. If anything, I regret them being able to do that to me. I really do. Ungrateful soulless drains on society. 

I guess all in all. I got do some cool shit with some cool people in my life those years. I got to see and do things that kid from Folcroft absolutely never thought he would ever do. Coming home to people I love or going to see them; it made it worth it. It made their value in my life so special. I always brought Mom back a magnet from my trips. She got a kick out of that. 

In my next life, the only trips around the sun I really want to make are birthdays. 

Bye Dad....See you on the other side. Keep the fire burning for me.

 First off I want to thank all of you for coming today. We really appreciate it. I wish it was under better circumstances, but alas, here we are. I just wanted to share some thoughts I had over the last 12 months as we watched him battle and fight the good fight. 

#1 

As I was default babysitter, I was default “rig the car to work mechanic”. I cannot even say how many winter nights I held the flash light for him. I was like, “should you be smoking near the gas tank?....Bobby, for Christ’s sake….just hold the damn light…” So I did my job. We’d rig another fix so Mom could get to work. A few weeks would go by and I would forget about it. Typically I had practice and never thought much about it. Until his night shift would end and he would drive by the bus stop in the Caprice Classic, roll the window down in his work clothes and ask me (soph or jr), do you and your friends want a ride to school in this hot rod? I would just say….”dad. Just go home…” ….and he’d laugh….a devilish laugh. 

#2

My dad would drive signs for Alto. I really never had an idea when…but we did two trips. One to Chicago and one to Cinci. They were always done at night. Very dark. I can talk to the Chicago trip. We would be on the road in pure darkness. Can I tell you that being with your dad in a car for 3-4 days is a lot? I was like 12-13. I had just seen Eight Men Out, about Shoeless Joe Jackson and the 1919 White Sox. I was so in awe of ChiTown. So we drove to Chicago. We stopped at every McDonalds to get cheeseburgers. George Harrison’s “I got my mind set on you” played every 100 miles. We got to Wrigley to see A League of their Own being filmed. So on the south side of Chicago, we get to Comiskey Park, built in 1910. They were demolishing it with a wrecking ball. These were the days before the internet, so Philly folks getting news out of Chicago wasn’t happening. I was so sad. I had my hands on the fencing. Bricks of the old park, still with paint on them, scattered everywhere. He said, “reach your hand under and grab one….” So, I did. Sirens go blasting….he says, “well, here they come for you….” I was about to shit my pants….but it had nothing to do with me. That brick and the upper facade piece……are still one of my prized possessions today. George Harrison’s song….always brings me back to that time. 

#3

We can start back at Upland Street. It’s funny, cause it was my Uncle Joe (Kenney), who really asked me the $64,000 question. He said, “Do any of your sisters even know about Upland Street or Lansdowne?” I looked at him and was like, “No, I don’t know…I was like 4-5.” My memories of Upland Street aren’t that vivid, but I do know I was surrounded by family, a caged in yard to ride my big wheel and my first friend “Boo” which my Mom always asked me if I remembered him.

When we got to Folcroft, it was great. Lots of food, movies day and night, cheese and crackers, Lou’s Pizza, Christmas gifts galore, no issues. And then, my four roommates showed up. A nice spacious house, became a house with very clear boundaries. Lisa, Chrissy, Stacey, Kathy. I say it that way for a certain reason to which I cannot divulge. Things got tough. I ate a lot less, I did more wash, got less presents. I became an expert at wash, folding women’s clothes, and the default built-in baby-sitter. Watching 4 young girls when you’re 10 is not easy. I was always jealous of my Fehrle cousins….cause the dynamic, well, it’s as clear as Adam and Eve. I’m convinced child labor laws didn’t exist in the 80’s. I did my best. 1,000lbs of cheesebread, 2,000 hours of Wizard of Oz, may have locked them in their room to just hang out and I really learned what it meant to be a guardian, but also learning to care, love, and be there for my family. A trait that has never left me. Today I realize my mom and dad were also proud I could be that person. 

My bedroom got a key-lock, a peep-hole to see who was knocking, a lock box for my private stuff and really, I was kinda like in a hostel with this “new” family. What I realized later in life, after the 100 calls to Super Fresh from one of the girls saying “Bobby is being mean”...or the time Lisa grabbed a serrated knife and said “I will kill you”, is that, tribes only grow from constant interaction. Even if it’s forced. My cousin Jason and I say that more and more as we both age but also live alone. Community is everything…even your community of siblings. My dad comes from a big family. Our big family at 988 was always special…even if I became a rumor or some mythical creature who was rarely seen. Some of my sister’s friends would meet me later in life and be like, “Wow, never knew they even had a brother…” Later in life, many people would realize I grew up with so many sisters and look at me like I was a POW. I never looked at it like that. Ever. 

I bring all this up….cause the last years since my Mom moved on…I could see that the only thing that would heal my father was family and friends. It’s like you don’t realize how much you appreciate the “struggle of life” until there is no more struggle. That constant busy life at 988 had moved on to other places. Something that happens to all families. We would have Folcroft Pizza parties at 988 but we always longed for more. Of course we wanted my mom. It was hard to not hear her laugh or feel her love close by. We just couldn’t replace her. She was the GOAT. I felt really bad for my dad. I watched him thrive on visitors, but I watched him long for the 988 he knew for so long. My mom, dinner at the table, cheese hoagies for two, her Chinese food order with double shrimp and him getting on her for making a gallon of coffee and drinking 2 cups, and the daily “Bob, where is my….?” it hurt me to know I couldn’t give that to him. Privately I would bring up my Mom, but it was just too hard for him to discuss.

All I can say is that this ride, this roller coaster of life…..it’s way more enjoyable and surprising with a group of riders. I have been so lucky to realize that since our Thanksgivings at Saybrook. Cherish those closest to you. Most of you obviously know how my mom passed away…..cherish every god damn moment you can with your loved ones. I say that now as a man who will forever be Bob and Patti’s first born and only son. Something I take pride in every single day. Two crazy hard working kids who shacked up, made me, raised me, and contributed to my growth as a man and as a human being. Their passion for their family is a passion I will always have. 

One day you wake up and you can’t call them, you can’t hug them, you can’t do anything. It is a feeling I don’t wish on my worst enemy. Time is the richest commodity. 

Eventually all of our trains pull into that last station. Try and do everything you can, while you can with your people. If that means saying sorry, do it. If that means accepting an apology, accept it. If that means changing, change. Even if it’s a call, a text, a quick visit. It will help you as much as it does them. 

Dad, the 988 train was one helluva force to be reckoned with. And I’m grateful I got to be a passenger on a train laying its own tracks. We may have not known our destination, but we enjoyed the ride. I’m sure all four of the girls wanted to toss me on the tracks a few times, but thank God you put that lock on my door. 

Looking directly at me, one of the last things you said to me was ”we sure have been on a long road together. Sometimes it was bumpy, but I’m still your friend right? You’re my first born and my only son…” When you said that, I closed my hands and sat in silence for a second. Part of me felt you had come to a place of peace. Yup dad. I’m still your friend and I’m not gonna stop Uncle Jimmy from calling me Little Dexter any time soon, but I’m done with the “see my thumb” trick.

We sure were going off the rails on a crazy train weren’t we Dad? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Til we meet again. 

Thank you. 

Untethered Soul - The Path to Unconditional Happiness

 Let's say you've been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, bur you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens da door, looks at you and says, "Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you wan something to eat? What would you like?" Now the truth is, you rel don't care what they give you. You don't even want to think about it. Ya you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental prefer-ences. The same goes for the question about happiness. The question in simply "Do you want to be happy?" If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is "Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regard less of what happens?"

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It's not a question of whether. your happiness is under your control. Of course it's under your control.It's just that you don't really mean it when you say you're willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn't happen, or as long as that does happen, then you're willing to be happy.

That's why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren't going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.

You have to give an unconditional answer. If you decide that you're going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will become enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don't have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don't have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist.

Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, someth inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your committment is exactly what stimulates your spiritual growth.

Miss you Florida. I will be back. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II 

The Enchiridion by Epictetus

The Enchiridion by Epictetus, a classic text of Stoicism, starts with this fundamental idea:

“Some things are under our control, while others are not under our control. Under our control are conception, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything that is our own doing; not under our control are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, everything that is not our own doing. Furthermore, the things under our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unimpeded; while the things not under our control are weak, servile, subject to hindrance, and not our own."

Untethered Soul - Letting Go of False Solidity Pg 139 and comments

 "If you take the journey, you will get to the state in which you see exactly how the unfolding moments bring up a sense of fear. From this place of clarity, you will be able to experience the powerful tendency to protet yourself. This tendency exists because you truly have no control, and that is not comfortable to you. But if you really want to break through, you have to be willing to just watch the fear without protecting yourself from it. You must be willing to see that this need to protect yourself is where the entire personality comes from. It was created by building a mental and emotional structure to get away from the sense of fear. You are now standing face-to-face with the root of the psyche...."

After being abroad many times over the years. Seeing rich and poor nations and people, Americans are definitely living in a state of fear. I think the fear comes up from the thought of building a life, getting to that long term vision, then being part of the build (fortress) and then you've built up so much around you, you don't really experience anything cause you've protected yourself for so long. You've become weak cause you control everything in your world. You've become vulnerable to change and you can't adapt. You are in essence controlling what may actually make you grow as a person. Life happens and hurt happens. Americans (and I am one) surround themselves with way artificial ways to make them feel better. Drugs, booze, cars, houses, vacations, clothes, health kicks, drugs to change appearance....etc etc. The thing we aren't usually changing with all that stuff is our inner self. We are doing all these outside things for the here and the now, but our inside is still made of glass and fragile. I realize that more now at 47 than I did 27. Having gone through some serious pain and loss. Unfortunately, I don't think you really know how human and mortal you are until you have suffered in some great way. It might sound dark, but you only know how deep your love is when the thing you love is gone forever. This could be a myriad of things.

There are days when I realize the amount of loss I have gone through can both make me feel invincible and vulnerable; depending on the moment or what is going on in my body. I think both are fine. 

I guess it comes down to, how strong do you really believe you are? Are you totally insulated out of control? Out of your need to not experience hurt? Are you just in your own little world? Or are you using something as a prop or an excuse? Like you are some homesteader who is living on his own land and the weird idea "it's just me and my family"....while a Starbucks light keeps you up at night?

It may take a lifetime to figure you out. 

A question. An answer I didn’t want to hear.

The older I get the more I believe something is behind all of us in all of this. I’m not specifically speaking about God or Allah or what have you. Just something behind this life, our ability to conjure thoughts any time we’d like. I’ve been put through an emotional meat grinder the last few weeks. Summer, where usually everything is great and free and flowing. I can’t go into it all now cause it’s 7:13am EST. You don’t come up in my daily thought process. Why would you? It’s been forever since I last saw you. It’s been a minute since we spoke. There is no reason to. Regardless of the good; there are boundaries and respect. 

I am waking up from a slumber of really not a lot of dreaming but it all became so vivid towards the end. Scary vivid. I can’t remember ever speaking in a dream. I really cannot and I’ve had some bangers. I haven’t seen you in forever but it was the you I last saw that I was looking at. Face to face. I asked you a question that, well, is always relevant regardless of time. A question where the answer can be both good and bad given the circumstances. The funnier thing is we were in some city. A city we never visited. I can see the room and I can see big windows looking out to some architecture only a city would hold. I laughed cause I just thought, that would be the last place I would want to be. Then again, there are places that you would go with that special person where it was never about the place, but all about the person you were with. That much I know. 

I used to travel a lot. I don’t miss those days. I don’t miss being away. Now I am not away, but yet, I have been “gone”. Checked out of life on this other path. People back home never realized while they were putting in 40, I was usually doing 60 or sometimes 80 with all my travel time. The investment of my time was the worst thing I could’ve chosen. It’s the only investment you usually can’t get back. While I have been “gone” to torment and the chaos around me, I have learned what I did wrong and part of me regrets that deeply. I thought, this is what I invested in? This is the trash I kept? Blah. Granted I survived but man I paid that ultimate price. You. Of course, do I think it would’ve worked out regardless? Who knows? A guy can dream. 

What did I ask you in the dream? I asked you if you still loved me. You started to cry, nodded yes and put your head down. I shook my head and nodded and put my head down. 

The dream ended. I woke up smiling. 

I usually always woke up smiling next to you. 

God. Listen.

God, please. I beg you. Do not take any more away from me. I cannot take it. I beg you. You took my mom in 2018. Her sister 2 years later. Now my last aunt on her side. God, you knew better. You did. She deserved a second chance and you know it. You may never forgive me. I will never forgive you. God. Why are you punishing us? This is too much. They all have been taken under 62. God, you never gave them second chances!!! Where is your mercy????? Where is your grace???? I beg of thee. I cannot do this again. Why God? You never gave us any notice. You never gave them any notice. You never gave her kids any notice. I will never forgive you. I don't care if you never forgive me. No one deserved this. I hate you right now. 

Bob

Will you teach me how to ride a bike

Most who read this blog have never met me, have no idea who I am or where I come from. I guess growing up, I didn't really think much about it until maybe after high school. In high school, most of the families were lower middle class, wearing the same clothes, sneakers worn out, maybe something nice once in a while. Public schools, state funded lunches, punch cards, bad facilities, good, but tired teachers, many of the families in my town were at or around the state poverty line. Five to ten miles radius, people were living in half a million dollar homes,, going to private and catholic schools...unaware of what happened on the other side of the tracks. I took my lumps....countless times being harassed, a 45-lb plate dropped on my chest in sophomore year of football, threatened to be shot junior year by my fellow secondary teammate, loading guns and driving around.....I guess it would still be referred to as "the hood" back then....and I can definitely say it was. Row homes for days, broken down cars, SEPTA buses coming through like jet engines, dumpster diving for expired Tastykakes, Mom always scrounging....even a few quarters so I could run up to 7-11 for a Snickers bar. One great thing was the ties we did form as friends there. Many lived and died for their friends. Some still do. We had a big community pool. Looking back, the best days of my mom and my sister's lives probably. Their "piece of the world"...I cherish it to this day. 

With that being said, we are coming to that time when we're having to clean my old house out. 988 Grant Rd. Folcroft, PA 19032. You can Google it. It wasn't much, but it was home until I first moved out. We are starting to remove any memory that my family lived there as no one really does any more. We are starting to erase a lifetime of what happened between those walls. We are starting to close the door on the past; some good, some bad, some all over the map. I guess that is also part of the hood a lot of people just don't talk about. Parents becoming parents too young, unsure, broke, addicted, hard-headed, stubborn, wanting to still be young, but wanting to try the parent thing. I closed the door on even discussing a lot of it for decades. I don't feel the need to tie it in here cause this is supposed to be a positive story. 

So as I am packing stuff up and going back and forth to my truck, I notice a bunch of young kids playing. Football in the alley. Soccer in the alley. Taking a leak in my yard (you will see). Jabbing at your buddies. These 6-7 kids all see me. So I was cleaning out cabinets and there was a box of our favorite crackers growing up, Lance Toastachee. A true hood treat. ha. I gave them all a pack. Some didn't like them, but the ones that did really enjoyed them and said thank you. So most of the group goes up half to the alley. Then one kid, a larger kid of the group, he is sitting on a bike and he's not going far, if at all. If you look at this kid and me, we couldn't be more different. Me, 47 yr old white guy, fairly chill, tees and shorts, backwards trucker cap, broad, unfiltered. Him, about 5ft, 130lbs, head to toe in gray sweats, medium fro, very dark skinned black boy. He quietly approaches me and looks me in the eye and says, "Hey, do you think you could teach me to ride a bike?" I still get chills typing it. This child, of all the people he could've asked, well, he asked me. My heart both broke with pain for him and it also felt good that he had the comfort to ask. I say comfort, not confidence. I also think of, "not one man in this boy's life til now could've stopped and taught him??" And then I got angry. Angry that he had a man help him even do this in life. So I said to him, "I have 5 mins until I have to leave.....let's do it." I grabbed the back of his sweatshirt, echoed many times to pedal, pedal, pedal...he kept saying I'm gonna fall. I said you're not, I got you. This 40 something white goofball and this 10 or so black kid.....bonding over learning how to ride a bike. In the alleys....where I rode my bike 40 years ago...where I hung with my friends...where my dad or mom helped me....We went up and down the alley several times before his other friends started to ask. I said I would be back some time, but that is just a maybe. 

I drove up the alley way, saying bye, thankful for a moment that helped me get through the pain of what I am going through and what is happening to our past life at 988...he was about halfway up on my ride up the alley. So I stopped. I said, "you did great, you just keep pedaling and gravity will take hold...you're really getting it..." Instead of a "thanks" or short quick comment. He looked at me and said, "Thank you very much..." held out a fist for a "fist pump" as we call it in the states and we parted ways. 

I always say, there are good people all over. There are people who want to have someone to look to. It is as much present in adults as it is in heaven. My one good buddy said, "you need to stop being so nice....and just keep going on your way". I think the day I would ever stop to help a child who asks for help, I am letting myself down as much as them. Granted, my buddy isn't wrong. Given the wrong view of the "white guy" holding on to the "black boy" from eyes who didn't have context; something easily could've happened that day. I take that into consideration.....but most days, at my mid 40's, all I want to do is just pedal my bike.....and let the wind take me to better places. 

"Teach the children, so it will not be necessary to teach the adults." Abraham Lincoln

A picture of my "new 988 crew". Folcroft4Life.